Marriage – Page 3 – Love in India

How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents

An overwhelming majority of the counselling requests I receive deal with parents not allowing their children to get married to the guy/girl of their choice.

Picture this. Your daughter is approaching marriageable age. You’ve been thinking of starting to look for a suitable partner for her. She suddenly announces, “Hi mom/dad, meet my boyfriend X. We’ve known each other for three years and we feel we’re made for each other. I’m completely convinced he’s the one for me. You might get a bit worked up over his caste though. Think it over. We’re not in a hurry. We’ll get married only with your blessings.”

Your daughter’s “marriageable age bracket” has already started shrinking. You have to come to a decision fast. Generations of conditioning makes you feel anxious about giving your daughter up to a guy you haven’t chosen yourself. Add to that the beliefs you hold about the likely dangerous consequences of inter-caste marriages. Tell me honestly – do you feel gung-ho about your daughter’s marriage to such a stranger? We all know the answer.

Photo by mytkada

Hence, the key to creating an environment more conducive to parental cooperation is not being a stranger. How do you do that? By building a rapport with your girlfriend’s parents over time. Always remember:

A rapport cannot be built in a day.

Here are some tips to cultivate a relationship with your girlfriend’s parents which would make to easier to get a “Yes” out of them when it comes to your marriage.

Get introduced as a friend first: Start visiting her at her home as a friend. If that’s not possible, start as a part of a group of friends. The idea is to allow her parents to get to know you in a relaxed environment (without the pressures of a possibility of marriage). Continue this throughout the period of your courtship, such that it gives them ample time to know you and trust you. (I hope you’re not planning to get married before knowing each other at least for three years.)
Spend time with them: If possible include them in your chat with your girlfriend from time to time (of course all the while appearing to be “friends” with her :D). Watch a movie together (of course the kind you can all appreciate ;)). No matter what they might show, parents always like to be included in children’s lives. If you come across as the type of friend who values elders and likes to spend time with them too, you’d have earned a lot of extra brownie points. That will make it easier for them to visualize you as a possible son-in-law later.
Drop inhibitions: Stop thinking of them as “my girlfriend’s parents” when you interact with them. Think of them as a friend’s parents instead. Drop inhibitions, relax and be yourself. If you try too hard to impress them you’ll feel strained, under constant judgement (when you’re not) and will be unable to sustain the show for a long time. Do not approach the whole thing with the objective of impressing them but with that of familiarizing with them.
What to talk: Whenever you’re having a chat with them, steer the conversation to a topic on which they’ve got a lot to say but you have very little. Like her mom’s childhood, her dad’s work, vintage movies etc. This will serve two purposes. First of all, good listeners are hard to come by and everyone loves them. The more you come across as one, the better for you. Secondly, you can’t afford any bad blood between you and them, and there are always chances of disagreement and tempers if you discuss something of mutual interest. You can avoid that by letting them speak about topics which you’re neutral on.

What are your stories of interactions with your girlfriend’s parents? Let me know by leaving a comment.

Being Single: The 7 Principles of Enjoying Your Singlehood

“If you can’t be happy being single, you’ll never be happy in a relationship.”

I believe in sayings. I believe in clichés. ’Cause for an idea to attain cliché status, it has to be used gazillions of times, by gazillions of people, over and over through the ages, and that rarely happens for an idea that hasn’t passed the test of reality.

That one at the beginning is an exception though.

Photo by ghaith.alajmi

Yes. Unfortunately for us, that one is a commonly held misconception. Humans are social animals. Humans are programmed by Nature to be unhappy if they’re alone for a long time. There’s a reason why the concepts of family and social groups started taking shape, even among the Neanderthals. And I don’t believe in going against Nature.

Why am I writing this article then – if being single is really as bad as it’s made out to be?

Because humans are animals, but that’s not all that they are.

Our animal instincts push to us to crave mates. But we also live in a highly evolved human society which – fortunately – offers singlehood its own joys and that’s what today’s post is all about.

#1. Be conscious of the gifts of being single

Have you ever spent a Saturday sleeping all day, waking up only to gulp down pizza pieces before you dived inside the sheets again? Or a night devouring the latest book by your favourite author till you could see the first rays of Sun?

You wouldn’t have any more of those days when you’re married.

Savour every moment of singlehood while you have it. One of the best aspects of being single is freedom. Be aware that you won’t have as much of it when you’re with someone. Make sure you’ve utilized every last bit of it before that happens.

#2. Self-sufficiency is the best form of freedom

I recently read a book by true crime writer Ann Rule where she describes her feelings a few years after a divorce, “All of it was unreal. Only a few years before, I had been … a typical housewife, a Brownie leader. Now, I was off to Hollywood to write a movie, with the FBI waiting for me.”

While the instance here is a bit extreme for most of us, the truth is that being single forces us to do things we never thought we could do on our own. This is true especially for single girls. From fixing a bug in your laptop to taking a biking trip to the outskirts with friends – use your single-dom to develop capabilities girls with boyfriends/husbands would never know. This way even when you finally find your Prince Charming you won’t need to be overly dependent on him – something most men despise.

#3. Couple-dom isn’t all that it’s made out to be

Let me take a leaf out of French novelist Marcel Pagnol’s book.

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the unknown better than it would be and the known worse than it is.”

Stop having those starry-eyed daydreams about the ineffable virtues of couple-dom. They don’t exist.

Being in a relationship/marriage is not about:

Romance
Sex
An undefined fantasy called “true love”

(Those taken together make maybe 0.5 % of it).

Humans crave companionship and that’s what a relationship is all about – having someone to share your worries, sorrows, dreams, joys, anguishes.

It’s also about sharing responsibilities (dividing up family finances in case of marriage).

It’s also about sharing tastes (watching movies you don’t like).

It’s also about compromising (moving states to stay close to them).

Next time you feel all romantic about having someone in your life, order yourself to remember these aspects too. ;)

Photo by zsuzsa.palosi

#4. Watch who you hang out with

Stay away from people who might make you feel bad about your state of being single. Beware of those well-meaning “aunties” worried about your marriage-worthy age or snooty friends who presume to pity you for your singlehood.

Our society views being single as generally regrettable, and there will never be a dearth of people trying to remind you just how much. Don’t let yourself be influenced by their worldviews. It may not always be possible to avoid such conversations entirely. If you find yourself having one, politely but firmly let the other person know that you’ve decided to remain single for some time now (even if this is not true) to focus better on work, extra-curricular interests etc.

It’s all too easy to fall into the ocean of self-pity if you let yourself, and letting them pity you is the first step in that wrong direction.

#5. Being single is an opportunity to invest in yourself

Your future partner is going to be a very important part of your life, but they’re not going to be your life. While they’re away, invest in developing the other important aspects of it. Another great thing that comes free with being single, besides freedom, is time for yourself – like you’ll never have once you’re hitched. The best thing you can do with your single-time is to use it. Make a list of all the things you want to do and achieve in your life – reach specific career goals, travel to XYZ places, read certain books, learn French – write it all down. Use all the time you have to improve yourself – making yourself better placed for achieving these goals. Once you start doing it you’ll realize that the most fulfilling existence you can possibly have is one dedicated to enriching yourself, one that leaves you no time, energy or reason for self-pity.

#6. Being single doesn’t equal desperation

I know you’ll yawn when I repeat the following cliché:

“You can’t find love. Love finds you.”

But like I said, cliché’s are cliché’s because they’re usually true.

The worst way to waste being single is to desperately chase couple-hood. It’s like ignoring the magnificent starry night sky in your desperation for daylight. Besides coming across as emotionally needy is a major turn off for most people.

#7. Take a mature approach towards future relationships

Instead of chasing and waiting for love, spend this time trying to understand your own needs from a relationship. Believe me, it’s not easy at all.

Observe couples you know. Talk to non-single friends about their relationships. Combine all that you learn with your experiences from past relationships, your future plans, parental advice – everything that you would take into consideration while choosing a potential mate. Then make a list of traits you want in your partner. Against each desirable trait, note why you want it in him/her.

Have you noticed that I haven’t used the phrase “ideal partner” while talking about your list of desirable qualities? That’s because no such thing exists. Take it from me – one person can’t have the looks of Brad Pitt, the brains of Einstein and the wealth of Bill Gates all at the same time – your likely dream combination (replace that with the looks of Bipasha Basu and the culinary skills of your mother if you’re a guy). ;)

If you spend your single years creating a mental picture of an ideal partner you’ll either remain single for the rest of your life or set yourself up for a disastrous disappointment after you’ve finally fallen in love and the initial heady days are past.

No. When I say make a list, I’m not even thinking about the “nice to have” criteria, but the must have ones.

Are you a free-spirited open individual? Chances are you won’t get along well with a conservative partner, no matter how crazily you might fall for them in the future. Put that down in your list.

Do you believe in a “your money is my money and vice versa” approach, or you like your financial privacy and freedom? Observe, decide and freeze it.

Are you OK with living with in-laws (if you’re an Indian girl, that is)? Whatever the answer, make up your mind now and make sure to take it into account when the marriage discussions finally start.

What are your own unique/quirky/crazy ways of enjoying the state of being single? Let us know by leaving a comment.

Romance, Colours & Taste: Artful Gift Ideas for Your Special Someone

Love is serious business.

Especially if you want to find that elusive perfect way to convey it to your special someone – as all those thousands googling “gifts for girlfriend/boyfriend” each day would tell you. ;) But apparently, my “original” and “creative” gift ideas are not cutting it for many a languishing heart which crave something more “real” – if their significant others’ testimonies are anything to go by. ;) So I thought I’d do some online research on the most thoughtful yet simple, intensely romantic “real” gifts available out there. And I found India Circus.

Thoughts, feelings, moods and emotions – this web-based lifestyle brand gives life to all that you want to express in its wide gifting range starting from notebooks and designer mugs to furniture and wall art.

Now to me, the best gift is one that is light on the bling and heavy on the unique meaning that it carries for the two people exchanging it. The simple but special gift items I found here score a perfect 10 on that scale.

Journals which come alive with the spirit of your first meeting, for recording your sweetest moments together…

Glasses from the roadside chai stalls you frequented in your college days exuding the heady excitement of romance in bold motifs …

Quirky snapshots of life on everyday items like magazine racks and laptop sleeves making their lips curl with your memories every time they look at those little mementos…

India. That’s the simple yet intricate, straightforward yet mind-numbingly complex inspiration behind all India Circus designs, according to founder & design director Krsna Mehta (don’t ask me about that spelling :P). From heritage to modernity, grandeur to simplicity, solemnity to laughter – India is present in its diverse expressions across IC artefacts.

Probably as an attempt to bring in a sense of order in the sheer dimensions of the artistic idea that is India, the designers at India Circus have divided their range in four distinct collections.

Neo Nawab – redolent of Mughal splendour and sophistication …

Tamara – a reference to the bright natural colours in India’s landscape …

Kuheli – commemorating the rich heritage of quintessentially Indian art and crafts.

Last but certainly not the least – Jalebi. The only word I can use to describe the mood rife through this range is … fun!

If you thought the last thing that could look like a romantic gift was an umbrella, India Circus urges you to think again. ;)

So many great options – but what if you have no idea what to choose for your special someone? India Circus stands out from all other similar shopping portals by helping you out there with iLike – an interactive wish-list which he/she can create on the India Circus website and share with you over email or Facebook. It’s also great for keeping track of home shopping between the two of you if you’re married/living together, or during your wedding among various people.

With all those gifting treasures around I bet you’re already regretting the fact that Holi is over. Never mind, there’s always next time. :)

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post.

Q&A: I’m Married but Can’t Forget My Childhood Sweetheart. What to do?

When I was in college I was in a relationship with a girl. It was the first real relationship of my life. We were together for five long years – right from 11^th standard till graduation. One thing led to another and we broke up shortly afterwards. Suffice it to say that we felt our life goals were not aligned.

Four more years have passed since then. I’ve settled down in a good job. I’ve also been married for almost a year now – to a girl I’d met at work and dated for less than a year.

Sometimes I feel I’ve made a mistake. I feel she was the love of my life (my childhood girlfriend from college, I mean). We’ve grown up together. We’ve spent our most formative years together. We were both part of each other’s families. She knows me more than my wife ever will. I feel I could give anything to rewind the last four years and go back to her.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but not a day goes by when I don’t think of her at least once. But I never contact her because I don’t want to disturb her life. (We’ve not kept in touch and I don’t know anything about her current life, apart from the fact that she’s alive – thanks to Facebook.:))

I wouldn’t exactly blame it on my wife. Her family was pressurizing her for marriage and hence we’ve gotten married without knowing each other for long. Of course there are gulfs between us which I’ve discovered after marriage. But we love each other and she’s quite dedicated.

What should I do?

-Shankar, Bangalore

Photo by Lightblb

Poignant question Shankar. Inside our hearts, many of us have been there and I’m sure all of us would benefit from knowing how others deal with it.

You think you’re telling me the story of your lost love, but I’m reading the story of a disillusioning marriage. It’s the disappointment with your marriage that is central to your emotions Shankar, not someone you’ve broken up with four years ago and haven’t thought about ever since.

Tell me honestly – would you have remembered her if your marriage had turned out to be exactly what you’d expected it to be? We both know the answer.

This might be disappointing, but let me state one of the hackneyed principles of life upfront – it takes a second to break something, but years to build it.

Your wife and you might have had an insufficient courtship, but you’ve still chosen each other – not had each other thrust down your throats like in arranged marriages. Moreover, in spite of differences you love each other and she’s even quite dedicated. You’re married – I hope you’re much more grounded in reality than a starry-eyed young romantic. Given that, are you even thinking of breaking something that’s in perfect working order? I’m sure you’re more mature than that.

So now that we’ve ruled out acting on your feelings, your immediate course of action is to understand them and to deal with them rationally.

Finding the grass on the other side greener is human nature. As you know only too well, if you let yourself fall prey to the kind of regrets you’ve described, it’ll become a never-ending, no-escaping black hole that’ll eat you up. Here are some points to consider.

Relationships change: First recognize that no one is perfect, and there will always be moments when you feel, “She’d have been so much better than my wife.” But hey, a relationship (especially a non-live-in relationship) always changes vastly after marriage, like I’ve discussed here: Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 1) and Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2). And while you know what a relationship with her was like, you don’t know what marriage with her would’ve been like. Who knows – may be while living with her in your day to day life you’d have discovered a hundred tiny but obnoxious things about her which you don’t know today.

Photo by DaizyB

You broke up, after all: Someone had said, “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was and the present worse than it is…” Don’t choose to overlook the negatives of that relationship which you consider ideal today. It wasn’t as perfect as you think. In fact, you broke up after being together for five years. Your “life goals were not aligned” then, right? What makes you think they’ll be aligned today?
People change: People change over time. You knew her then. You’ve been out of touch for four years thereafter. Trust me, you have no idea what she’s like today – what her thoughts, beliefs, aspirations are like. They may have remained the same as they were four years go, but they may have changed drastically. May be if you meet her today you’ll feel you don’t know her at all.
You change: In your case I’m more certain – certain that your needs and desires have changed substantially over the last four years, that is, going by the course of your life. You had certain needs then, which she fulfilled. May be you’re unaware of many other needs that you’ve now developed, which your wife must be fulfilling, at least partially. You don’t know if she would’ve fulfilled these new needs.

Think very carefully. Keep these points in mind. I’m sure they’ll help you think more clearly and make the right decisions in your love-life.

To all other readers – have you ever pined for a long-lost love? Feel free to share your story (anonymously if you like) in the comments section.

Q&A: It Seems that My Wife and I are Losing Connect Due to Stress. What Should I Do?

Q:My wife and I live in Mumbai. We have been married for three years. I’d met her online when I was in college. We had been in an almost purely long distance relationship for five years before our marriage. Currently I’m in quite a drudgery of a corporate job – running 9 to 9 each day. But I’m ambitious and aim to break free of this life of slavery. Hence I’ve taken up a few projects outside of my job which my wife is also involved in.

The reason I write to you is – of late a never-ending ennui seems to have settled down in our relationship. We’re both stressed. Life’s demands stress us more. We tend to fight and find faults a lot. And we make up by going out for a movie, shopping, coffee etc. Then again go through the same cycle.

I remain really busy with my work and other stuff. I know she really wants me to spend quality time with her. I try to do that but sometimes I myself feel like even though I’m physically present with her, mentally I’m somewhere else – worrying about my work, other ventures etc. Most of the time even if I try I can’t relax and be fully available to my near and dear ones. Is there any way of getting out of this rut? Please help.

-LK

Photo by Greatist

A: You and your wife are childhood sweethearts – you met at a time when you were both college kids. Full of life. Newly-gained freedom. Young-adulthood. Aimless happiness in your head. Dreams in your eyes.

… And the enigma of distance in the story of your sweet love.

Cut to today.

You rush. From morning to night. Behind the same unexciting things.

You smile at the same boring people.

You don’t like what you do.

You get stressed by it.

Way too much of your life is spent on the sustenance of life itself (which is, earning money and your corporate job), and not on living it. Life feels futile.

This makes you frustrated.

Life is not nearly like you imagined it. And this makes both of you disappointed, confused, even mildly shocked, deep inside.

You both develop coping mechanisms – each your own.

This is where your disconnect starts.

To put it simply:

Your lives have gone through a huge change between when you fell in love and today.
Each of you has developed your own individual coping strategy to deal with this change.
In this process your priorities have diverged.

This is what is giving rise to the apparent distance and lack of understanding between the two of you today.

Add to that the fact that you’ve taken on entrepreneurial projects. This has three implications.

These demand a major portion of your time and energy, thereby leaving out less time for the two of you to spend together.
At a mental level you’re highly involved with these projects and you want a lot out of them. She sometimes falls short of your expectations.
Third, and most importantly – these are very, very close to your heart. Maybe sometimes at an emotional level you’re so involved with these, that you have a little less focus on your family life. You have mentioned even if you’re physically present with your wife, you’re not always mentally available.

LK – the fact that you’re so serious about reviving your relationship shows that you love her really, really a lot. And that’s the reason you will succeed in getting your relationship back on track.

How?

First things first. Let’s start from the roots. As we both know, the root here is – mental stress.

Photo by Manahil Qureshi

You hit the nail on the head when you said you can’t relax and be fully available to your near and dear ones. You see the root of your problem?

She obviously senses that. Deep connection nurtured by quality time spent together is central to her emotional needs from you. Your constant stress is making you more and more unavailable to her and giving rise to a gap – between her needs from her spouse and what her spouse is able to provide.

You know very well that quick-fixes like gifts, movies and a coffee outside are just that – quick fixes, and not solutions.

The solution obviously is – reducing stress in your life.

How do we go about that?

Here are a few simple steps that you can start with:

Be more organized with your time. Every night make a list of all your tasks for the next day and make a simple plan of at what time you’ll do which task.
Meditate and do breathing exercises every day for just five minutes. Not more than that. Just five minutes of your time every day.
Let go. Choose happiness. Drive your life, don’t be driven by it. The root of stress is feeling drawn in two or more different directions at the same time. Let’s say you’re with your wife. You want to spend quality time with her but you’re also feeling guilty inside for not spending the same time on your entrepreneurial projects. This is being driven by life and its necessities. This gives rise to feelings of not being in control, which is the root cause of stress. But what we often miss is the fact that we’re always in control – if we take the control. In this situation, for example, driving your life instead of being driven by it would entail asking yourself, “I’m spending time away from my work. That constitutes opportunity loss for my business. At the same time I’m spending time with my wife which is deepening our connection. Will it make me happier – either in the short term or in the long term – to work on my business than spend this time together? If yes, I should now go back to work. If no, I should forget about work and make most of our time together.” It’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options. But you need to be conscious of the fact that you have these options; the fact that it’s not like “I have to work and I also have to spend time with my wife!!” It’s like “I have two options and I choose which one to take based on my own happiness.” The second puts you in control of your life rather than putting your life in control of you.

I hope that has helped you think more clearly and consciously about life and relationships.

Go through this discussion. Think about it clearly, and let me know how this works for you.

With the best wishes for your life and happiness,

Sulagna

Help! My Parents are not Agreeing to My Marriage!

I belong to caste A, my boyfriend belongs to caste B. We have been together for two years. None of our parents are OK with an inter-caste marriage. But we are unable to live without each other. Our parents take the reactions of their relatives and neighbours way more seriously than our feelings. They’re telling us about the loss of face in their respective societies that they’ll have to suffer if this marriage happens. His parents even want dowry which my parents are unable to provide. How can we convince them? Please tell me. We want to marry with those precious blessings only and we’re ready to wait till we get them.

Here’s the actual comment from Shrivalli.

Photo by keeping it real

On the average I get about three such queries every day and they make me sad and angry. Very angry.

I feel – what in the name of God are we doing to our younger generation? How can some dogmatic parents have so little regard for the happiness of – not a random guy on the street but – their own child!

Boys and girls (and don’t demand to be called men and women. If I could find the me of your age somewhere I’d have called myself a baby. Well, on second thoughts there are people who’d still call me a baby and their number is more than two, but I digress again… ;) ). In my experience of talking to, consoling and counselling scores of young people like you, I’ve observed that there are three golden rules of dealing with parents who are real tough nuts to crack, and I thought I’ll lay them down today, fuming as I am.

Have you noted that I said “dealing with”, not “convincing”? You’ll soon find out why.

Rule #1. Your life belongs to YOU.

Not your parents, not your spouse.

You’ll never make everyone happy. Take it from me – it’s rarely possible.

Of course the first step is to try to convince your parents. And you’ll do that to the best of your abilities. However, if it proves impossible, you need to take a stand – one way or the other.

If you have to take a stand that involves sacrificing someone’s happiness for someone else’s, whose happiness will you choose?

Surprise! Surprise! The answer is – yours.

Be very clear in your mind.

It’s not about choosing your boyfriend or girlfriend over your parents. It’s about choosing yourself over everyone else.

Let’s face it – life is all about making choices. Making choices that make you happier. Not happy, but happier, than making any other choice.

Will it not make you unhappy to irk your parents by marrying against their wish? Of course.

Will it not make you unhappy to say goodbye forever to the person you love?

Of course.

Be selfish and choose the option that makes you the least unhappy, and then let go.

How? Read on to find out.

Rule #2. If someone’s paying for your food, you’d better do as they say

If you’re financially dependent on anyone, you can never be fully free. Period. It’s a sad fact and it’s time you stopped burying your head in the sand.

People facing pressures from their parents are usually young people just starting out in their careers. In most cases they’ve either not started earning, or are still financially partly dependent on their parents.

Photo by starush

If neither you nor your boyfriend/girlfriend is earning – work on that before working on anything else. If your parents are paying for you, you’d better do as they say. I’m sorry, but there are no ways of going against reality.

Does that mean money is the only language that you can use – even with your closest family? No. But it gives you the mental strength and confidence to even believe that you can make your own decisions. And you have no idea about the power of that belief.

Why? Go to Rule #3 for that.

If between the two of you you’re earning an amount which won’t allow for the maintenance of the same standard of living you currently enjoy – well, that’s a call you need to take. Again, you need to choose the option that makes you the least unhappy:

Option #1: Embark on a radically new life. A life with the man/woman you love, a life of absolute freedom, but one which offers drastically lower levels of material comfort than you currently enjoy.

Option #2: Decide that you won’t be able to adjust to the above reality of a reduced standard of living and say goodbye to the man/woman you love.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options.

I repeat – There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options.

Keep the guilt and the emotions out temporarily. Get your head clear. Make a rational, practical and well-thought out decision, and prepare yourself mentally for the consequences. Don’t go into a hailstorm of remorse when those consequences become reality, because you know that you can’t have it all and you’ve made the best decision.

Rule #3. Cost-benefit analysis always works

This world works on cost-benefit analyses. The costs and benefits can be purely emotional. That analysis might happen in our minds entirely unconsciously. But it’s a rule of Nature that it happens. In fact it’s crucial to our survival.

Let’s take the example of your parents’ decision of allowing you to marry your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Decision	Benefits for your parents	Costs for your parents
If I say “Yes”	My child will be happy.	I might lose face in the community due to the marriage being inter-caste.
If I say “No”	No loss of face in the community.	My child will be unhappy.

I think it’s very clear that their child’s happiness – while important – is not a determining factor for them so far as this decision is concerned. (Otherwise why on Earth would they deliberately want their child to get married to someone other than the one they’re already deeply in love with?)

Now put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Is it looking very compelling to say a “yes” at the cost of losing face to the community?

Probably not.

Now look at this one:

Decision	Benefits for your parents	Costs for your parents
If I say “Yes”	My child will be happy.	I might lose face in the community due to an inter caste marriage of my child.
If I say “No”	My child will be unhappy.	My child will get married to their girlfriend/boyfriend, leave home and cut off contacts with me. Hence I’ll lose face in the community.

What does that look like to you now?

I know countless inter-caste couples who have tried to convince their parents, failed and then gone ahead to get married anyway, leaving their parents’ home.

You know what?

In 100% of the cases, the parents’ accepted them within one year of getting married.* :)

Blackmail? So be it. If that’s the tried, tested and fully working method, please help yourselves. ;)

All the best. :)

*[Update: As pointed out by some readers, this requires some clarifications. When I say “100% of the cases”, I mean 100% of the cases that I know of. Going ahead with your decision is not a guaranteed way of turning your parents around, but the best shot you have at it.
In my opinion, if they don’t turn around and decide to disown you forever – well, that’s the best proof of your decision having been the correct one. ;)]

Orange Nights

“To laughter that can awake the dead.”

Afternoons seem unbearably long these days. As I proceeded to fill today’s with cajoling the living room bookshelf out of its antique torpor buried in a cosy quilt of dust, I chanced upon an equally antique, long-forgotten copy of The Second Sex . Mites have devoured the ‘w’ and both the ‘d’s, nibbling on a few ‘t’s and the ‘n’. The 1988 you beyond that faded scrawl on the first blank page is still remarkably clearly visible.

Or so I felt.

It was our third show of “Orange Nights” in the HDCM auditorium. When you met me backstage I was sipping a cup of hastily made tea – every cell in my body craving energy as my heart brimmed with the exhilaration of having delivered another successful show to the campus community.

I don’t remember if I’ve ever told you how thoroughly you bored me that evening with your hackneyed suggestions of how I should stop studying Statistics and become a professional scriptwriter or stage actress instead – until you pulled out that book, wrapped in matt-finished handmade brown paper with lyrical scribbles all over for garnish.

Since then I’ve lead my life as away as I could from this exquisite bunch of dangerous thoughts which you – in hindsight so ironically – planted in my heart. Never looking back, never regretting anything.

I ran into it though – a year and three months ago, to be precise.

I was somewhere in between half-real delirious dreams and consciousness as I lay in that alien white berth with metal railings reeking of delicately preserved hygiene. My jangled senses racked with bits and pieces of the world around me – whiff of disinfectants, the prick of needles, Sonu’s bawls, hushed whispers in known, unknown, half-known voices, “suicide”, “jumped off”, “crazy”, “God’s miracle” … and in the middle of all this were the unspectacled lanky ruffle-haired you of that faraway night – smiling at me holding a small oblong package wrapped in brown paper.

But poor Sonu had not seen that night – our first night. When my innocent little baby came sobbing to me, showing me those messages from your mobile you’d exchanged with that lady over the last two years, he hardly knew how selfishly I loved you.

“I’m sorry Mona,” you’d pleaded. “You changed.”

“I’d fallen in love with a talented independent free-thinking unique woman. An embodiment of life whose laughter could awake the dead. Not a mentally middle-aged quintessential housewife who can’t think beyond her husband’s lunch and her son’s impending Board exams.”

Somewhere I’d got it all wrong.

I wanted to be the perfect wife for you. I’d loved you with my everything. I wanted you to think I was the best decision of your life.

Remember how you used to marvel at my stoic refusal to complain about your mum’s never-ending rant against me and my “uncouth” family, day after weary day?

“My love for you is not ordinary. I vow not to force you to choose between the two most beloved people of your life,” the ideal wife had explained to you. Do you think the “independent free-thinking” me would’ve survived those days with her love for you intact?

I was a star performer in my company – as long as the family needed the money more than the time, before the priorities reversed and I didn’t bat an eyelid before kissing the job market goodbye. What do you think the “talented, unique” me would have done, Arnab?

As you spent your evenings slogging your way to becoming one of the most respected sales leaders of the industry, I put more of my focus into Sonu’s deadlines than I’ve ever put into my own.

No, I’m not the “independent free-thinking unique embodiment of life” anymore, Arnab, I’m the ordinary quintessential eternal foundation of life. I’ve made a sacrifice countless women all across history and geographies have made so that you could see this day.

So that my son could see this day.

The perfect mother and wife in me never bothered about the exquisite imperfect real woman that she’d so carefully put to sleep so long back.

Until she became a useless burden to you.

Until she greeted death face-to-face and came back.

Until today.

No, I have neither shame nor regret to have given my everything to the people I love.

What I do regret though is the fact that in the process I’ve forgotten to be myself, love myself, celebrate myself.

Almost. :)

No I don’t consider my life over.

I’m 45 years young. The adult years that lie ahead of me are as many in number as the ones that lie behind – only wiser and richer in experience.

You and Sonu remain as focal to my existence today as you were yesterday. Only one more character has been promoted from the sidelines to the lead in this final act – myself.

Let me once again remind you of what you’d told me that extraordinary night – I had it in me to be a writer. You know what? I’ve decided to take that seriously – twenty-six long years after you said it.

What you’re reading is my first attempt at proving it.

Happy Anniversary.

An entry to the Indusladies 4th Annual International Women’s Day Blog Contest 2013.

How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage – 6 Steps

If you’ve been following Love in India’s romantic messages for a while, you’d know that we’ve already talked about inter-caste marriages and inter-religion marriages. Another of the most common questions I get asked by readers is “I have a girlfriend/boyfriend. How can I convince my parents of a love marriage?” I thought I’ll put my thought together on that today.

How to convince your parents of a love marriage

Photo by midgetmanofsteel

#1. Convince your parents of your love marriage by making them meet him/her: The first step to convincing your parents of a love marriage is making them meet your girlfriend/boyfriend. Don’t even go into any discussions with them before making them meet your special someone. The purpose of this meeting is to establish to your parents what a perfect husband/wife he/she will make for you. Coach your girlfriend/boyfriend accordingly before this meeting (Disclaimer: I’m not talking about putting up a fake face to your parents. I’m only emphasizing that they need to put their best feet forward when they meet them).

At the end of the day your parents want your happiness. If you can use this meeting to impress upon them that he/she is a perfect match for you it’ll be easy for you to convince them of a love marriage with him/her.

#2. Convince your parents of your love marriage by creating a mutual relationship: An even better thing to do however, is to introduce your girl/guy to your parents as a friend of yours, at least a year before you plan to marry. Help them know each other and familiarize with each other. Later when you bring up the question of marriage with your parents, you’re talking about someone they know very well. Hence convincing your parents of a love marriage with the person they know so well and for so long would be much easier.

#3. Convince your parents of your love marriage by giving them a reality check: Nothing is as convincing as reality. In order to convince your parents of your love marriage, give them real life examples of happy and successful “love marriages”. Don’t forget to also throw in a few examples of people you know whose marriages were arranged and have turned out to be unhappy. ;) Cite these isntances, stating how being in a relationship with someone for some time before marriage is essential to judging mutual compatibility and consequently, to creating a better chance for having a happy life together. Which brings me to the most crucial point…

#4. Convince your parents of your love marriage on the basis of compatibility: Explain to your parents the importance of mutual compatibility and understanding in a marriage, which essentially needs to be gauged (to the extent possible) before taking the final decision. Compatibility goes much beyond castes, horoscopes, food habits, family background and financial capability. It depends on personality types, beliefs, likes and dislikes, attitude towards the relationship etc. And these things can never be even gauged without spending at least a year or two in an active relationship with each other (which you hopefully have, with your significant other). And no, the modern arranged marriage which involves fixing the date of the marriage first and spending a year dating each other next doesn’t count. This is based on the obvious fact that the time a couple spends together in a relationship before marriage is meant to aid the decision of whether to get married or not. If that decision has already been taken, any amount of pretend-dating doesn’t count.

#5. Convince your parents of your love marriage citing crucial mutual emotional needs: Different people have different emotional needs from their partners. It takes some time to gauge whether a person’s emotional needs are going to be satisfied by another person. In an arranged marriage context, there’s no way of knowing this, since the degree of emotional closeness that is required before someone can find out whether the other satisfies their needs or not, is impossible to attain before such a marriage. You need to make them see this in order to convince your parents of your love marriage.

A friend of mine was a free-thinking romantic ball of fire before marriage. She happened to have her marriage arranged to a financially well-established, dependable but rather practical and unromantic guy six years her senior. Soon after the marriage it became apparent that if he were chalk, she would be cheese. No wonder she totally changed as a person, shut herself up emotionally and is living in a mental prison ever since. Do your parents want that for you? I’m sure not.

#6. Convince your parents of your inter-caste love marriage: Of course, in some Indian families the hardest of marriages to earn a parental thumbs-up on is an inter-caste marriage. Along with all the usual challenges of convincing your parents of a love marriage to the girl/guy of your choice, this once comes with its own set of hurdles – like age old traditions, strong stereotypes held by many people, and above all, your parents’ fear of social ostracism should they allow you to marry someone from a different caste (particularly, a so-called “lower” one).

It’s not easy, to say the least.

Here are some tips and strategies thousands have benefited from, which you can also use to cope with the situation: 5 Tips to Handle Intercaste Relationships.

But what if your parents are stubborn and just won’t give in to your tricks and strategies? Here’s what: Help! My Parents Are Not Agreeing to My Marriage!

Have you ever tried to convince your parents of your love marriage to your boyfriend/girlfriend? What was the experience like? I’m eagerly waiting to read about your experiences in the comments section.

The 5 Main Challenges of an Inter-Religious Marriage and How to Overcome Them

About two years back I’d written a post on intercaste couples. Recently someone asked me whether there are any challenges specific to inter religious couples apart from the ones already discussed there. Let’s look at that in today’s post.

Photo by Sephiroty Fiesta

What’s religion?

Unlike a caste, a religion is a way of life. A religion has far deeper and broader effects on how you lead your life, how you think, how you perceive others etc., than castes. The challenges of inter-religious couples are therefore a lot more complex, running a lot deeper. After some research and analysis, I could finally boil down the often not so easy to define range of possible challenges of inter-religious couples to these fundamental five.

Lack of support from friends and family: According to sociologist Lynette Clemetson, the relative lack support that inter-cultural couples might receive from friends and family in the initial period of their relationship, can give rise to trust issues between them later which makes the relationship difficult (Clemetson, 2000). The same is applicable to inter-religious couples also. I’d suggest you take time to understand each other fully, gain confidence in your commitment and only then introduce each other to your families, so as to earn more of their support.
Challenges understanding each other: As you know, a religion is a way of life. For example, I’m a Hindu – I’m used to seeing idols worshipped every day in my home. If you’re a Christian this might come across as blasphemous to you. Religion shapes everything from lifestyle (consider the strict vegetarianism practised by Jains), to philosophy of life (think Muslims having their own legal code). Two people coming from two different religious backgrounds, thus, need to make extra efforts to understand each other. Fun activities like picking up a children’s book on the history of each other’s religions, or participating in religious holidays can be powerful first steps in the lifelong journey of overcoming such barriers.
Patience and acceptance: There are always moments in an inter-religious marriage when differences in beliefs are probably really irresolvable. Such situations are inevitable. It’s not always easy to think outside the box you’ve lived in since birth. Being conscious of such a possibility and having the patience to accept differences and yet love each other for who they are is crucial for success of the relationship.

Photo by Marriage Bureau

Children: The most challenging aspect of inter-religious marriages is probably handing down beliefs systems and life philosophies to children. However all religions have the same values and spiritual aims at their core. It’s the practices and traditions which differ. You need to inculcate this basic understanding in your children early on and help them see each of your religions as just one more way to spiritual enlightenment. If you as an inter-religious couple can do it right, your children have the potential to grow up as more aware, more conscious people than children of same-religion marriages. The inter-religious family will also help them develop a truly open outlook of the world and treat human beings as human beings, irrespective of their caste, creed, race and religion.
Parents: Some of you might think this should’ve been my first point, but I’ve deliberately moved it to the last. On the basis of my own experience I believe that in terms of gravity, outside challenges to a relationship can never even compare to the challenges any couple faces between them, to make their own relationship work. So far as your parents are concerned, you’ll convince them. Here are a lot of strategies to get that in line: Convincing Parents for Intercaste Relationship.

Are you in an inter-religious relationship? Do you know someone who is? What’s your experience of the joys and pitfalls of such a relationship? Make use of the comments section to let others know.

Valentine’s Day Card Workshop 4 – Wanna Hide You in My Heart

As promised, here’s #4 in Love in India special series of DIY Valentine’s Day Cards, each of which take less than 10 minutes to make.

Things you’ll need:

1. Plain paper

2. Scissors.

3. A pencil.

4. Glue

5. Coloured pens (Optional, for decoration)

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 1: Take two identical square pieces of paper.

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 2: Keep one aside. Fold the other one into half, like this:

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 3: Fold it twice such that eventually there are three creases across its length and breadth, intersecting at a common point at the centre.

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 4: Join the mid-points of the four sides to draw a square, touching each side of the paper at the mid-point.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 5: Fold it along the diagonal, and draw half a heart on one of the sides, using the inner square as a reference.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 6: We are going to draw many “parallel” hearts inside this outer heart. Let us start by marking the starting and ending points of each heart on the spine of the outermost heart. Make the equidistant from each other, leaving out space for the innermost heart in the centre.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 7: Draw the hearts, one inside the other, as identical as possible.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 8: Now the trickiest part. Each heart has to be cut out from the head and left joined with the others at the tail, or vice versa. Each heart has to be cut in alternate directions – one from head to tail, the next from tail to head. Like this.

For your convenience, I have marked out the alternate directions of cutting on the first two hearts (don’t repeat this unless you want to leave out awkward red arrows on your special valentine’s day card!). Note that each red line as an ending point marked with a prominent red dot.

Each heart is to be cut only till its respective ending point, to leave it joined with the rest of the paper. This will create the layered effect you can see in the final version.