From Poland, With Love (Part 2)

Daniela, 

First of all, DO NOT waste money on coming to Bangalore. DO NOT. This is NOT a moment for taking impulsive decisions. These are challenging times for you, and whatever is the ultimate outcome, if you want to handle this situation the best way, you need to think with a very clear head. Feel your emotions – you have to. That’s what they’re meant for. But don’t let them influence your decisions in any way. You have to promise yourself that. 

Let me tell you a story. In India, every week a few couples across the country commit suicide realizing they can’t marry each other due to parental/societal pressure. We all read about them in newspapers. Not one of us has ever come across an incidence of a parent committing suicide because their child won’t marry as per their wishes. So you can rest assured, Karthik’s mother will not commit suicide over you. All this rhetoric about suicide is nothing but emotional blackmail – a very dirty but very common technique used by Indian parents to force their children into giving up their freedom. Karthik probably knows that already. In fact, I’m sorry to sound pessimistic Daniela, but there’s a chance that the incident about his mother wounding herself etc. might not be entirely true. It may be exaggerated. 

from Poland, with lovePhoto by romaaaaaa

Having said that, I have to tell you Daniela, I’m sorry but Karthik is a closed chapter of your life. Your relationship has every sign of being on its way to an end. Give up on him Daniela, I’m sorry but realistically speaking, there really isn’t a chance for things to work out.

Karthik sounds like a heart-broken man. He’s tired of fighting against his reality. His reality consists of an extremely conservative society and family which would never accept individual freedom. He just feels powerless against so many obstacles – financial situation, the challenges of finding a job in a foreign country, parental psychological torture, societal expectations, his sense of responsibility towards his family … the list is just endless. His strength is waning. He’s wondering whether it’s worth all the fighting. 

Most single Indian men are sex-starved. Very few Indian women would agree to have sex with someone before marriage, even if he’s her boyfriend. Western women are more likely to be OK with it. Hence many Indian men try to seduce Western women just for the sake of sleeping with them.

But let me tell you – Karthik is NOT one of them. If it’s any consolation, Karthik really, honestly loved you and cared for you (he probably still does). I’m confident because, #1. your relationship was almost entirely long distance, you were never in any position to have much sex with each other. #2. He’s tried talking to his parents about marrying you, which shows he really was serious. So you can at least rest assured that you’ve not been duped or taken advantage of. It has been so far a genuine, honest relationship based on love and caring. 

You’re an honest & caring person with a very precious heart. Whatever you do, NEVER fall into the trap of blaming yourself for any of what happened. You’re NOT at fault. There are only two CIRCUMSTANTIAL forces at play here – #1. You’re in far-off countries #2. The conservative culture of India. That’s all. It’s neither your fault, nor his. 

You need to stay strong Daniela. Check this: How to Forget Someone You Love: 7 Rules, and this: How to Enjoy Life when You’re Alone.  

from Poland, with lovePhoto by anyasmiff

You need every ounce of strength, confidence and self-worth you can summon. Like I said, you’re a wonderful person (as is evident from your story) and if you focus on yourself, you’re certain to create happiness in your life. Happiness may not always come from the sources you thought it would come from. But you need to commit to your own happiness Dan. You need to promise yourself to make yourself happy.

A boyfriend has left? It’s OK. Shift your focus to your career. Give it your 100%. Be emotionally invested in it.

Your career doesn’t give you the satisfaction you want? OK. Shift your focus to that long-forgotten hobby you always wanted to pursue.

You see, life is too short to focus on anything but happiness. Don’t fix your attention on a particular aspect of your life (your crumbling relationship, for example). Fix it on what gives you happiness. If your relationship gives you happiness, great. Focus on that. If not, shift your focus to something that does.

All the best Daniela. I pray for you. May you find all the strength and happiness that you deserve.  

-Sulagna

3 thoughts on “From Poland, With Love (Part 2)”

  1. It is really sad to read what happened with Daniela and more sad to accept the practice of parents forcing children to live the life their/parents way.

    This is not just the case of marriage, some parents in Indian don’t want their children taking decision on anything. And the reason given is, they have cared for us from childhood so we have to go by their rules otherwise they and the society will blame you for being disobedient most rubbish human in this world.

    We should care for our parents as they did for us, but not betting on our lives, carrier, love. They can’t simply understand that after them settling in heavens abroad, we are who have to support our families. Here, I am in this situation of forced carrier, so might be feeling the pain of Daniela.

    1. Absolutely MC. You’ve made a great point here by bringing up the “no autonomy for the next generation” issue.
      Some people argue that Indian parents take a lot more care of their children than Western parents (like never leaving them alone at home, never taking vacations without children, paying for college education, and in many cases staying in a wrong marriage for their entire life just so that minor kids don’t have to go through the trauma of divorce). Hence they should have more control over the children’s lives than in Western societies, and there’s nothing unfair here. But I find this way of reasoning a bit lop-sided.
      I completely agree that if your parents make sacrifices for you all their lives (most Indain parents do), it’s your duty to give them something back. But in my opinion you should give them back in terms of care and financial, practical and emotional support in their old age – something which Western parents seldom get from their children. Wanting to control your life in addition is like asking for a double price. ;)

  2. I had a friend who lkes me more than a lover. But because of some unknown personal reasons, he is not talking well with me. When he comes forward to speak, i could see the formal in his behaviour. I feel really tough to accept his change what can i do?? Please give the factful solution..

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