Happy New Year everyone. I’m sure you enjoyed your New Year Eve’s parties.

In case you’re experiencing first-day-at-work-after-holidays blues, here’s a piquant mix of romance and laughter to fix you up.

Love in India reader and enthusiast Benny recently suggested that I create a romantic proposal using mathematical analogies. I loved the idea instantly. Here’s my attempt in response to Benny’s query.

My Dear Love,

The moment your eyes and mine fell in the same straight line, the tangent from your eyes became a perpendicular bisector of my heart.

Fully in line with Newton’s law of gravitational force, the force of attraction you’ve ever since applied on my heart is proportional to the product of your beauty and your intelligence. Surprisingly, the proportionality is not determined by a constant K (as told my Newton), but by a chaotic function f, the nature of which I’m yet to determine. I suspect it’s “you”.

Also unlike gravity, the force (as measured by the stress and strains my heart experiences) is proportional to the square of the distance between us, instead of being inversely proportional to it!

This is a phenomenon which deeply surprises me.

To summarize,

Newton’s Law of gravitation,

mathematical love letterPhoto: Wikipedia

Force experienced by my heart = f X your beauty X your intelligence X r2

r = Distance between you and me

As you’d notice, the proportionality here is not determined by a constant K (as told by Newton) but miraculously, by a chaotic function f, the nature of which I’m yet to determine. I’m calling it “you”.

As a natural result of this force, my heart’s gravitational acceleration should have been –

My heart’s acceleration =( f X your beauty X your intelligence X r2)/mass of my heart

You’d be surprised to know that ever since this force started working on my heart, the mass of my heart has started tending to zero! (The Brownian motions experienced by it leads me to this postulate, as only particles whose mass can be compared to the fluidic medium they’re in – which I assume is gaseous in the case of my heart – can experience it).

As I’m sure you’ve concluded, the acceleration would be tending to infinity!

However, the repelling magnetic field of your silence is applying an opposite force on my heart, thereby creating severe stress.

Believe me, my poor heart is made of brittle material, which is “characterized by the fact that rupture occurs without any noticeable prior change in the rate of elongation”*.

The only solution, as you can clearly see from the above equations, is to switch off your magnetic field by accepting my love, and to reduce the distance between you and me (r) to a fraction, such that my heart can gain some respite from the maddening force and can save itself from a sudden rupture.

Yours truly,

A Mathematical Brain Addled by Love

*Source: Wikipedia