If you’ve been following Love in India’s romantic messages for a while, you’d know that we’ve already talked about inter-caste marriages and inter-religion marriages. Another of the most common questions I get asked by readers is “I have a girlfriend/boyfriend. How can I convince my parents of a love marriage?” I thought I’ll put my thought together on that today.
Photo by midgetmanofsteel#1. Convince your parents of your love marriage by making them meet him/her: The first step to convincing your parents of a love marriage is making them meet your girlfriend/boyfriend. Don’t even go into any discussions with them before making them meet your special someone. The purpose of this meeting is to establish to your parents what a perfect husband/wife he/she will make for you. Coach your girlfriend/boyfriend accordingly before this meeting (Disclaimer: I’m not talking about putting up a fake face to your parents. I’m only emphasizing that they need to put their best feet forward when they meet them).
At the end of the day your parents want your happiness. If you can use this meeting to impress upon them that he/she is a perfect match for you it’ll be easy for you to convince them of a love marriage with him/her.
#2. Convince your parents of your love marriage by creating a mutual relationship: An even better thing to do however, is to introduce your girl/guy to your parents as a friend of yours, at least a year before you plan to marry. Help them know each other and familiarize with each other. Later when you bring up the question of marriage with your parents, you’re talking about someone they know very well. Hence convincing your parents of a love marriage with the person they know so well and for so long would be much easier.
#3. Convince your parents of your love marriage by giving them a reality check: Nothing is as convincing as reality. In order to convince your parents of your love marriage, give them real life examples of happy and successful “love marriages”. Don’t forget to also throw in a few examples of people you know whose marriages were arranged and have turned out to be unhappy. ;) Cite these isntances, stating how being in a relationship with someone for some time before marriage is essential to judging mutual compatibility and consequently, to creating a better chance for having a happy life together. Which brings me to the most crucial point…
#4. Convince your parents of your love marriage on the basis of compatibility: Explain to your parents the importance of mutual compatibility and understanding in a marriage, which essentially needs to be gauged (to the extent possible) before taking the final decision. Compatibility goes much beyond castes, horoscopes, food habits, family background and financial capability. It depends on personality types, beliefs, likes and dislikes, attitude towards the relationship etc. And these things can never be even gauged without spending at least a year or two in an active relationship with each other (which you hopefully have, with your significant other). And no, the modern arranged marriage which involves fixing the date of the marriage first and spending a year dating each other next doesn’t count. This is based on the obvious fact that the time a couple spends together in a relationship before marriage is meant to aid the decision of whether to get married or not. If that decision has already been taken, any amount of pretend-dating doesn’t count.
#5. Convince your parents of your love marriage citing crucial mutual emotional needs: Different people have different emotional needs from their partners. It takes some time to gauge whether a person’s emotional needs are going to be satisfied by another person. In an arranged marriage context, there’s no way of knowing this, since the degree of emotional closeness that is required before someone can find out whether the other satisfies their needs or not, is impossible to attain before such a marriage. You need to make them see this in order to convince your parents of your love marriage.
A friend of mine was a free-thinking romantic ball of fire before marriage. She happened to have her marriage arranged to a financially well-established, dependable but rather practical and unromantic guy six years her senior. Soon after the marriage it became apparent that if he were chalk, she would be cheese. No wonder she totally changed as a person, shut herself up emotionally and is living in a mental prison ever since. Do your parents want that for you? I’m sure not.
#6. Convince your parents of your inter-caste love marriage: Of course, in some Indian families the hardest of marriages to earn a parental thumbs-up on is an inter-caste marriage. Along with all the usual challenges of convincing your parents of a love marriage to the girl/guy of your choice, this once comes with its own set of hurdles – like age old traditions, strong stereotypes held by many people, and above all, your parents’ fear of social ostracism should they allow you to marry someone from a different caste (particularly, a so-called “lower” one).
It’s not easy, to say the least.
Here are some tips and strategies thousands have benefited from, which you can also use to cope with the situation: 5 Tips to Handle Intercaste Relationships.
But what if your parents are stubborn and just won’t give in to your tricks and strategies? Here’s what: Help! My Parents Are Not Agreeing to My Marriage!
Have you ever tried to convince your parents of your love marriage to your boyfriend/girlfriend? What was the experience like? I’m eagerly waiting to read about your experiences in the comments section.
Hi,
I love your this article, actually I have a basic & small problem with my relationship. My Mom doesn’t like girl friend name. Whenever I start discussion about my girl friend to my Mom ! My always dislike like her name & her too. I don’t understand what I don in this case.
Well..for starters you can ask her why she puts so much emphasis on a NAME? I’m sure ur mum understands that there’s nothing in a name that says anything about the person it is carried by. If not try to explain the same to her. Also ask her if she doesn’t like your girlfriend as a person also. If she doesn’t then u need to go for a period of negotiation while making sure all three of u spend some time together so that the two ladies can get to know each other more. :)
I don’t wanna discuss more here on comment ! Give your mail id that I can mail you my full story & problems.
Well, there is no such problem in my case..!!
The ways you mentioned are pretty good. :)
He he.. :) Thanks for commenting Dhruv. :)
Dis article is certainly very helpful, but iff parents have a very orthodox mindset ??? i mean when d issue is about d marriage of their own kids its all about honour, respect in community etc… n all trivial, totally (actually) negligible things which have now become very important, because its about their son/daughter… then they become too adamant & whatever means their kids try, it all seems to be falling on deaf ears…
I’ll be blunt Swapnil – if a young person’s parents’ honour and respect in the community is more important to them than their child’s happiness, the child should take their own happiness more seriously than their parent’s honour.
That is to say – of course the first step of proceeding towards a marriage is to try to obtain everyone’s blessings. Your parents are after all, well, your parents. Your first natural assumption of course is that your happiness is their first priority. In the unfortunate case that they have reservations against your choice of partner, you should plead with them, negotiate with them and convince them.
If, however, your first assumption is proven – rather unfortunately – wrong, you have to take a very long hard look at your life and your priorities and ask yourself what makes you happier – to make a life-changing sacrifice to see your parents happy, or to take a plunge into the life of your choice with the person of your choice irrespective of everything else and then hope that everything else will fall into place?
Always remember, you have that choice.
hey,
i am in a relationship with my guy since 1 nd half years… v r planning to tell dis at home nd get engaged. but he has to search job still.. be4 all dis my mum got to knw i m in love nd she created hungama.. the whole family of mine doesnt like me gettin into love.. i dunno wt to do. i m hurt seeing all dis.
Your situation is sadly all too common in Indian families, angel. However, be very sure – you can’t have a happy marriage in the midst of financial instability right at its beginning. Right now the top priority is for your boyfriend/you to get a job to support the two of you, so that if need be you can make the decision of getting married against your families’ wishes. Until you’ve done that, I’m afraid, you have to bear with it. Try this for ideas on dealing with stubborn parents: Help! My Parents are not Agreeing to My Marriage!
All the best.
I want to marry a guy and I inform my parents for this but they said no because of caste and different culture , and dad was telling me that he will do something bad if I will get married to him, now I am so confuse that how to convince my parents,
Starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for an inter-caste marriage was not a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your boyfriend to impress your parents the right way so that their resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents (I don’t know if they can meet, given the different countries, but they can talk over the phone and chat on video maybe?)
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take a more direct approach: What to do When Your Parents Just WON’T Agree to Your Marriage.
Let me tell you something Pooja – you can’t always have it all. Life is all about making conscious choices. By making a choice maybe you’ll give up something for something else, but you’d take back control of your life in the process. That’s what the article you’ve commented on is all about.
And emotional blackmailing? You really think you’re being fair to yourself when you give in to such distasteful tactics used by your parents against not a random guy on the street but their own child? I believe it’s every son or daughter’s duty to give their parents utmost importance in their lives, ’cause our parents are the only ones who’d love us selflessly and put our happiness above everything else. But not if that assumption isn’t true. Your parents clearly don’t value your happiness much. If they did they wouldn’t act in the unfortunate way their acting. Since it’s clear that they’re not hesitant to ruin your life just to have their way, don’t be hesitant to choose your life over their happiness. Please. You owe yourself this much.
Let me know what you decided. All the best. :)
All the best! :)
Hey there!
I am an mbbs from a good govt.college. I worked hardest in life,i found a girl of my choice,she is my batch mate. I took 2 years to decide whether its an infatuation or real love. I came to an end that i actually love her and by no means i can live with any other girl in this life. Means we are 100% compatible,she also realises seriously.
I made mistake! I told my parents straight that i have a girl as friend and i like her,i want to marry her.
God.my parents were so much in tension and depression that after a year they are in shock.
My friend’s dad is also against us the same way.
Now the situation is,we both are preparing for our post graduation exam and far away from each other but neither she nor i can live without each other. & yea i respect my parents so much that i once said yes upon their demand of not marrying a girl from other caste,whatever else i can do in life.
Actually my parents did a lot for me in life out of poverty but THEY ARE LIKE DEMANDING IN BACK TO LEAVE MY GIRL FOREVER AND MARRY A GIRL FROM MY OWN CASTE,which is impossible to me.coz i see life only in a girl,the first and perhaps the last in my life.
But the fact is i don’t need anything else.
If my friend has to marry other guy in parents pressure or due to my deficit,i cant stay home any longer,i got a passport,i will have to leave india.coz losing her is like losing my core values..and everything i own!
Your story is really touching, R. It’s incredibly heartening to know that true love such as yours exists in today’s world.
However it’s equally disheartening to know that whatever is shameful, coercive and anti-freedom about the Indian culture is not only limited to our uneducated masses, but are equally wide-spread among the educated elite (you’re a doctor for God’s sake!).
The short answer – if you’re unable to “hurt” your parents, don’t get married. Remain single all your life. I’m sure they’ll be happier to see you unhappy and alone than happily married to the love of your life who’s from a different caste.
The long answer:
Starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for an inter-caste marriage was not a good idea R. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your boyfriend to impress your parents the right way so that their resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents (I don’t know if they can meet, given the different countries, but they can talk over the phone and chat on video maybe?)
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take a more direct approach: What to do When Your Parents Just WON’T Agree to Your Marriage.
Let me tell you something Pooja – you can’t always have it all. Life is all about making conscious choices. By making a choice maybe you’ll give up something for something else, but you’d take back control of your life in the process. That’s what the article you’ve commented on is all about.
And emotional blackmailing? You really think you’re being fair to yourself when you give in to such distasteful tactics used by your parents against not a random guy on the street but their own child? I believe it’s every son or daughter’s duty to give their parents utmost importance in their lives, ’cause our parents are the only ones who’d love us selflessly and put our happiness above everything else. But not if that assumption isn’t true. Your parents clearly don’t value your happiness much. If they did they wouldn’t act in the unfortunate way their acting. Since it’s clear that they’re not hesitant to ruin your life just to have their way, don’t be hesitant to choose your life over their happiness. Please. You owe yourself this much.
Let me know what you decided. All the best. :)
Hi ,
We are in relation from last three years and now her parents are not approving this relationship. She is being tortured and harassed by her mom and uncle (mothers brother) saying they kill her or her mom will commit suicide. They also fixed her marriage . Please help us!.
Will you please help and advice, we both are in a very bad state of mind as we cant even able to speak to each other.
Regards,
Anish
8421322172
Anish you need to contact the Love Commandos. Call them immediately on 09313784375. They’re a voluntary organization which helps young couples get married in case their families are against them. It even provides them temporary shelter, legal advice etc. When you contact them they’d tell the two of you to meet one of their commandos at a pre-planned location and you can get married soon with their assistance, safely away from your families. If it’s impossible for her to leave her home because she’s locked up, you can ask help from commandos regarding that too. Locking up an adult person and restricting their freedom is definitely not legal, and action can be taken on the basis of that. But since I’m not an expert on the legal technicalities, I strongly suggest that you talk to the commandos once before you involve the police or any such thing.
There is no need to waste any words on how to “convince” such “parents” who threaten their children with crimes. This is not a moment for negotiation, or paying any heed to emotional blackmailing. This is a moment for action. Your girlfriend has to be strong. If young people like her continue to cow down to ruthless oppression by so called “elders”, she’d only sacrifice herself, nothing else. We need to change toxic practices like these and people like you and your girlfriend only can take the first steps.
Please check this: What to do when your parents just WON’T agree to your marriage
My prayers are always with you Anish.
The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.
It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.
1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.
2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her.
3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.
If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.
If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older. If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.
Can’t agree more Jeff… The key is not to take any decisions or make any commitments before you’ve been seeing each others for long enough..
Hi Sir/Madam,
Waiting for your advice,
Regards,
Anish
Already replied ANish… do write at sulagna@loveinindia.co.in if you have further queries.