I belong to caste A, my boyfriend belongs to caste B. We have been together for two years. None of our parents are OK with an inter-caste marriage. But we are unable to live without each other. Our parents take the reactions of their relatives and neighbours way more seriously than our feelings. They’re telling us about the loss of face in their respective societies that they’ll have to suffer if this marriage happens. His parents even want dowry which my parents are unable to provide. How can we convince them? Please tell me. We want to marry with those precious blessings only and we’re ready to wait till we get them.
Here’s the actual comment from Shrivalli.
Photo by keeping it realOn the average I get about three such queries every day and they make me sad and angry. Very angry.
I feel – what in the name of God are we doing to our younger generation? How can some dogmatic parents have so little regard for the happiness of – not a random guy on the street but – their own child!
Boys and girls (and don’t demand to be called men and women. If I could find the me of your age somewhere I’d have called myself a baby. Well, on second thoughts there are people who’d still call me a baby and their number is more than two, but I digress again… ;) ). In my experience of talking to, consoling and counselling scores of young people like you, I’ve observed that there are three golden rules of dealing with parents who are real tough nuts to crack, and I thought I’ll lay them down today, fuming as I am.
Have you noted that I said “dealing with”, not “convincing”? You’ll soon find out why.
Rule #1. Your life belongs to YOU.
Not your parents, not your spouse.
You’ll never make everyone happy. Take it from me – it’s rarely possible.
Of course the first step is to try to convince your parents. And you’ll do that to the best of your abilities. However, if it proves impossible, you need to take a stand – one way or the other.
If you have to take a stand that involves sacrificing someone’s happiness for someone else’s, whose happiness will you choose?
Surprise! Surprise! The answer is – yours.
Be very clear in your mind.
It’s not about choosing your boyfriend or girlfriend over your parents. It’s about choosing yourself over everyone else.
Let’s face it – life is all about making choices. Making choices that make you happier. Not happy, but happier, than making any other choice.
Will it not make you unhappy to irk your parents by marrying against their wish? Of course.
Will it not make you unhappy to say goodbye forever to the person you love?
Of course.
Be selfish and choose the option that makes you the least unhappy, and then let go.
How? Read on to find out.
Rule #2. If someone’s paying for your food, you’d better do as they say
If you’re financially dependent on anyone, you can never be fully free. Period. It’s a sad fact and it’s time you stopped burying your head in the sand.
People facing pressures from their parents are usually young people just starting out in their careers. In most cases they’ve either not started earning, or are still financially partly dependent on their parents.
Photo by starushIf neither you nor your boyfriend/girlfriend is earning – work on that before working on anything else. If your parents are paying for you, you’d better do as they say. I’m sorry, but there are no ways of going against reality.
Does that mean money is the only language that you can use – even with your closest family? No. But it gives you the mental strength and confidence to even believe that you can make your own decisions. And you have no idea about the power of that belief.
Why? Go to Rule #3 for that.
If between the two of you you’re earning an amount which won’t allow for the maintenance of the same standard of living you currently enjoy – well, that’s a call you need to take. Again, you need to choose the option that makes you the least unhappy:
Option #1: Embark on a radically new life. A life with the man/woman you love, a life of absolute freedom, but one which offers drastically lower levels of material comfort than you currently enjoy.
Option #2: Decide that you won’t be able to adjust to the above reality of a reduced standard of living and say goodbye to the man/woman you love.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options.
I repeat – There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options.
Keep the guilt and the emotions out temporarily. Get your head clear. Make a rational, practical and well-thought out decision, and prepare yourself mentally for the consequences. Don’t go into a hailstorm of remorse when those consequences become reality, because you know that you can’t have it all and you’ve made the best decision.
Rule #3. Cost-benefit analysis always works
This world works on cost-benefit analyses. The costs and benefits can be purely emotional. That analysis might happen in our minds entirely unconsciously. But it’s a rule of Nature that it happens. In fact it’s crucial to our survival.
Let’s take the example of your parents’ decision of allowing you to marry your girlfriend/boyfriend.
|
Decision |
Benefits for your parents |
Costs for your parents |
|
If I say “Yes” |
My child will be happy. |
I might lose face in the community due to the marriage being inter-caste. |
|
If I say “No” |
No loss of face in the community. |
My child will be unhappy. |
I think it’s very clear that their child’s happiness – while important – is not a determining factor for them so far as this decision is concerned. (Otherwise why on Earth would they deliberately want their child to get married to someone other than the one they’re already deeply in love with?)
Now put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Is it looking very compelling to say a “yes” at the cost of losing face to the community?
Probably not.
Now look at this one:
|
Decision |
Benefits for your parents |
Costs for your parents |
|
If I say “Yes” |
My child will be happy. |
I might lose face in the community due to an inter caste marriage of my child. |
|
If I say “No” |
My child will be unhappy. |
My child will get married to their girlfriend/boyfriend, leave home and cut off contacts with me. Hence I’ll lose face in the community. |
What does that look like to you now?
I know countless inter-caste couples who have tried to convince their parents, failed and then gone ahead to get married anyway, leaving their parents’ home.
You know what?
In 100% of the cases, the parents’ accepted them within one year of getting married.* :)
Blackmail? So be it. If that’s the tried, tested and fully working method, please help yourselves. ;)
All the best. :)
*[Update: As pointed out by some readers, this requires some clarifications. When I say "100% of the cases", I mean 100% of the cases that I know of. Going ahead with your decision is not a guaranteed way of turning your parents around, but the best shot you have at it.
In my opinion, if they don't turn around and decide to disown you forever - well, that's the best proof of your decision having been the correct one. ;)]
Loved the way you analyzed with your objective approach for such a controversial topic….
Thanks Hemant.. :)
100%?? Are you sure?
Out of the 4 love matches I’ve known, I know in 2 cases the parents have practically disowned them!
Hey JJ! Thanks for sharing that example.
Well, whoever I know who has tried this was fortunate enough to have parents who were stubborn, but – going by their subsequent reaction as I mentioned – not so stubborn.
When I say take your decision, I don’t mean take your decision with a 100% guarantee that your parents will come around. I mean that’s the best chance you have at turning them around when everything fails. If they don’t turn around – well that’s a possibility you have to take into account. A parent who disowned their child forever for choosing happiness was never worth sacrificing that happiness anyway. :) So if the parents disown you for taking your own decision regarding something as personal as marriage – there couldn’t have been a better way of validating your decision. :)
need help
the things are well narrated by the author…
@ABC
share your problem,,, you may get the solution with friends…
d method pinpointed here about analyzing-something like d swot analysis…it will really help in coming to a wise, well thought decision
& thanks for bringing d point up “1 can never make every1 happy”
Hi
M an rajput girl n m in love wth a brahmin boy..i velong to a very traditional cultural joint family full of bade papa..my papa..2 uncles …n alltogether 10kids …..
Me n my love we hv been together for 11 yrs now n niw we both r of 28 in age… ny parents wants me to get married …they did get one proposal but i refused …n now i need to convince my parents for my love …. my elder uncle did love marriage but bhaag ke wth d same caste …;) …. d boys family excepts me already but i want to get married wth d yes of my family also …. i dont want to hurt them… plz help me wth ur guidence..
Angle princess
Hey Rajput pricess! ;)
Couple of observations:
1. Your family may be traditional, but they’re not as closed-minded as the typical Indian family. Otherwise they wouldn’t have allowed you to remain unmarried till the age of 28 – well into “marriageable age bracket” going by Indian standards. ;)
2. One of your uncles ELOPED!!
3. You already have the go-ahead of the guys’ family.
So congratulations, and relax. Half your battle is already won. :)
I suggest you introduce your guy to your parents as a friend, work on having them impressed by him as a person (without considering marriage with you etc.), and see how it goes. Keep me posted!
How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage
How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents
All the best. :)
Hi.. Am 21yrs old hindu ma bf is 29yrs old christian.. We were in love before five years due to personal reasons we broke up and now again we are in love for past eight months.. We both wanted to get married.. I tried to convince ma parents they are very stubborn against inter caste marriage . . Ma boy friend dont want to get married against parents decision. . Dont know what to do.. Am quite confused.. Am sure i need him for rest of ma life..
Vaishnavi, there are two issues here.
1. Your commitment and its challenges: Check this – The 5 Main Challenges of an Inter-Religious Marriage and How to Overcome Them
2. Overcoming resistance from your parents: First off, starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for an inter-religious marriage was not a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your boyfriend to impress your parents the right way so that there resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take a more direct approach: What to do When Your Parents Just WON’T Agree to Your Marriage.
Let me know how things go.
All the best! :)
I’m a 27 year old Indian girl in love with a 25 year old guy. Tried convincing my parents for the past one year but to no avail. I earn quite well (me being a double post-graduate)…well over the average Indian salary but my boyfriend earns just enough (he is a fitness instructor). My parents see this match as taboo as he is younger to me and also earns less. They have decided to cut ties with me once I decide to go ahead and marry my boyfriend. I love my parents and understand their concern and anxiety but there is no way to convince them otherwise. They have told me not to have any hopes for reconciliation even few years down the line. My dad says he is fully capable of disowning me as he has already cut family ties to his own siblings. :(
Roopa, there are two issues here.
1. Your commitment and its challenges: The concern your parents have is not baseless. Financial issues are the biggest marriage killer all over the world. I’m by no means saying people can’t marry at a high income difference. But ask yourself – are you sure you’d never have any regrets for not marrying someone more “appropriate” for you by society’s standards? I don’t know how long you’ve known him, but I would recommend spending at least 2-3 years together before you start planning for marriage.
2. Overcoming resistance from your parents: First off, starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for this marriage was not a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your boyfriend to impress your parents the right way so that there resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take the more direct approach outlined in this article. ;)
Let me know how things go.
All the best! :)
want to hear some points on emotional blackmailing by parents. What if they say they are physically not well and all this tension is making it just worse (perhaps a high BP).
#not my case
#not anyone’s case I know
Hmm…That’s a tricky situation really.
This is how I see it: If you expect your child to love/respect you, you should earn it. In other words if you expect your child to sacrifice their happiness for you, you as a parent should first show that you put your child’s happiness above everything else. To me, that’s what being a parent is all about.
As I’ve mentioned, I don’t believe parents who put their “honour in the society” above their child’s happiness deserve the importance/love from their children that would make them sacrifice their entire life (knowingly marrying someone other than the one you love is a life-destroying sacrifice).
If the emotional blackmailing scenario does arise, the only middle ground is to refuse to get married at all. You should say, “OK. I’d not get married to my boyfriend/girlfriend if that gives you a heart attack. But in that case I can’t get married right now. I don’t know when I’d get married. And I’m not changing that decision under any circumstances.”
It can still be acceptable if your parent feels hurt by your choice of a certain person as your life partner – they might have their own reasons to feel concerned. They might have genuine reasons to believe that you’ll not be happy in that marriage and that’s understandable. However what’s totally unacceptable under any circumstances – including the one in which they threaten you with an impending heart attack ;) – is your agreeing to marry someone they chose at a time they chose.
There, you should put your foot down.
What most controlling parents try to do in their attempt to stop their child from marrying the “wrong” guy/girl is to get them married off elsewhere as soon as possible. That’s a situation you have full rights to refuse under any circumstances and you should exercise those rights. :D
What usually happens is ailing parents eventually give in, when they realize their child will not marry anyone other than the one of their choice.
Even if they don’t give in immediately, they will eventually. And you can always outsmart them in the waiting game. ;)
hi.i need ur help .m frm mumbai and m south indian and my gf is a christian.her family is bit strict abt religion as dey go for sunday mass for prayer and her mom had a heart attack.recently dey visited goa native of my gf.and asking abt d marriage.nw my gf is scared to tel her mom abt d relation as her mom s a heart patient the plus point is dat her mom has a doubt dat v bth r dating as she saw d msgs on face book.cn u help me hw to tel her mom dat v actually r dating for 2 yrs
Vinyas, there are two issues here.
1. Your commitment and its challenges: Check this – The 5 Main Challenges of an Inter-Religious Marriage and How to Overcome Them
2. Overcoming resistance from your parents: First off, starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for an inter-religious marriage will not be a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get introduced to her parents as a friend (without any discussion of marriage, let them see the PERSON that you are, without thinking of marriage) so that there resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take a more direct approach: What to do When Your Parents Just WON’T Agree to Your Marriage.
Let me know how things go.
All the best! :)
Thanku for d reply …its means lot to me..:)
D problem here z culture …difference they think wht d relatives r gonna say n all dat …
N in my family girls dont evn look at boys ..all dat pardah system …thoda bohot hai …not all dat tough..
Its like a huge shock for my parents to evn believe i could do such a thing …as i dont evn go out also …
I m talking to my love through cell given by him which no body knows at my place since 11 yrs..;)
Just like it happens in movie …not seen each other but we keep meeting coincidently n dat moment feels like heaven …:) .. but since one yr i hv got skype in my cell …d gud part here…
My love z somtimes so scared to evn face my so called rajput family dat he starts freaking out …but i keep motivating him to stay strong ..face d fear …n hope for d best…
Angel princess
What are you saying?? 11 years?? Was that a typo? Did you mean 1 year? Coz if not I really have to say hats off to you. Your love and commitment have really earned my respect. 11 years!!
There’s a voluntary organization for helping couples facing pressures from their families, like in your case. They’re very active in North India. They’re called the Love Commandos. Read their story here and please feel free to contact them if you feel tehre’s a serious threat to the health of you/your boyfriend. Interview with Love Commandos leadership
Let me knwo what you think.
:)
i belong to rajput family toooo….. i totally agree wid u….. i dnt understnd why stilll people follow PURDAH SYSTEM, “beware from boys concept”……
it happens in my family tooo
It’s a sad reality, which will NOT change unless young people like you dare to fight against it. Social ills which drive wedges through families are difficult to eradicate. But this will not happen unless you, the victims, take action.
Hi ..
.i really like d way u approach d subjest..:)
Wish i could send some chocolates to u for ur support on dis matter…:) :)
Like i said b4 my age z 28 ..n i dint get married till now or dint fell d pressure from my family for getting married wz bcoz my janampatri wz sent to 13 places n it did not match to none of them… at last it matched one guy n i refused 13th proposal also.. i asked them dat give me 1 yr n dan ill get married ..i asked 4 one yr so dat i could convince dem 4 my love .. i really love him n he also loves me a lot ..n he refuses to get married to any other girl ..( n i love dat ;) :) :) ) all i want z dat my entire family where i hv 3 fathers n 4 mothers to convince …so dat i get married by there blessings …SHOW ME D WAY TO CONVINCE THEM.. its like a huge thing 4 them to evn hear there daughter speak about a boy in such a way…
I hv waited for 11 yrs n i dont want dis moment to go away … n dat help from d north commandos sounds cool …;) but it wont work here …..dats d bad part… we r 4 sisters 2 got married already n m on 3 no. D boy for d 4th sister z already in search ..n whn i say yes for marriage dan only my other brothers n sister gets d way to b married …
1) my family hs d pressure of a girl at d age of 28 n still unmarried …wht will d pple n relatives say…
2) whn i say yes n d train of marrage for my remaining 6 brothrs will start ..plus one 1 younger sister of 24..age ..
3) in one of my other close relaties my cousin brother loved an maharastrain girl but d family members forced him to marry a rajput girl n ultimately aftr 2 yrs …my cousin divorsed her …bcoz none of them wz happy n he dint evn get d maharstrian girl bcoz d bad things she got 2 hear from d boys family… d end result 3 lives hv been ruined in d end..
4) its a culture here dat a rajput girl gets married only once ..in her life n dan whtso evr happens she doesnt gets to get married again …
5) suggest a peaceful way of convincing my enitre joint family ..
Plz help so dat my one time z wth my love only ..he z d only reason my heart beats wthin me ..n i feel unconditional love for him…
Thanku u ..
Angel princess
Angel, the only way I can see is for you to convince them with your love. Even though I think a more realistic solution would be to secretly get married to your love and give your family the news later (or run away and not give them the news at all, if you fear for your or his life). This solution might sound imperfect, but given the stance of your family (not very different from the stance of thousands of orthodox Indian families) I don’t see much chance of convincing them. They obviously cannot afford to care for the happiness of their children. Your cousin’s life is the proof. You have to either knowingly choose a life of torture like him, or write off any chances of gaining their approval (which is non-existent anyway, as we both know) and take the plunge – yes – WITHOUT their consent. Remember, your cousin was a guy so he gained his freedom through divorce after two years of unhappy marriage. But you’re a girl and the road to freedom will be incredible more difficult for you, if at all it exists.
Take your decisions carefully Angel. I’d always advocate choosing your own happiness over that of people who quite obviously couldn’t care less about your happiness. God bless Angel. I pray for your freedom. :)
i don’t know how your stories goes so far, because mine isn’t started even. I proposed a gal in ma office, n she refused it. Shameless gal.
Well, the problem discussed in the article, isn’t impossible to solve. When we were child, our parents stopped us to eat the unhealthy but attractive looking things. They gave us birth, food, care, love, money and everything they had. Then how can we force them to be agree with the things they are not satisfied with.
Think twice.
Well, respect them, talk to them, if they became agree then it’s perfect, but don’t force them.
Gaurav, this is not about forcing your parents to do anything. This is about preventing anyone – including your parents – from forcing you to do something that you don’t want to do.
According to your line of reasoning children are equivalent to slaves. You pay for all their expenditures when they’re kids and hence you own them for the rest of their lives, right? Wrong. That’s not what being a parent is all about. If your parents are unable to understand that you’re an independent adult human being, and assume that you’re their slave because they’ve paid for you as a kid – well, their sense of reality is disoriented and they shouldn’t have been parents in the first place.
Choose happiness. First your own, then others’. If you let others control your life you can make neither them nor yourself happy. Let’s say today you make a sacrifice by ditching your long-term partner for a guy/girl your parents chose, just to make them happy. What if tomorrow your parents want to dictate when to have children and feel “unhappy” if you don’t abide by their rules? Thus, there’s no end to this never-ending tailspin of parent-pleasing. It gets everyone into anger and depression in the long run.
Let me repeat, choose happiness. :)
Hi
M a Hindu from India and my guy is a Muslim from Pakistan. Both of us working in dubai and have a stable job. We have been together for last two years and after understanding each other , we want to marry. I ve met his family and they don’t hav an issue. My parents do not agree and they don’t even want to meet the guy. They say they can’t allow me getting married to Muslim. My mom is blackmailing and tells me dat she ll commit suicide if I dnt leave him. Seeing this, I told her dat ok I ll leave him but I won’t get married to anybody else. Then she stopped eating food and went on a hunger strike until I say yes for the marriage. Den I fell for it and promised her ok I am ready to get married. But I love my bf a lot and I can’t live without him. We are still together searching for the solution. We that of registered marriage but I am afraid if my mom and dad will be able to handle this shock. I love them too and will not be able to bear the guilt if god forbids something happens to my parents because of me.
Naina, there are two issues here.
1. Your commitment and its challenges: Check this – The 5 Main Challenges of an Inter-Religious Marriage and How to Overcome Them
2. Overcoming resistance from your parents: First of all, I’m glad that you have at least one set of parents on your side. If you’ve read the article you’re commenting on you’d know that’s an incredibly lucky scenario. Given the country you and I come from, that is. ;)
However, starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for an inter-religious marriage was not a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your boyfriend to impress your parents the right way so that their resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents (I don’t know if they can meet, given the different countries, but they can talk over the phone and chat on video maybe?)
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take a more direct approach: What to do When Your Parents Just WON’T Agree to Your Marriage.
Let me tell you something Naina – you can’t always have it all. Life is all about making conscious choices. By making a choice maybe you’ll give up something for something else, but you’d take back control of your life in the process. That’s what the article you’ve commented on is all about.
And emotional blackmailing? You really think you’re being fair to yourself when you give in to such distasteful tactics used by your parents against not a random guy on the street but their own child? I believe it’s every son or daughter’s duty to give their parents utmost importance in their lives, ’cause our parents are the only ones who’d love us selflessly and put our happiness above everything else. But not if that assumption isn’t true. Your parents clearly don’t value your happiness much. If they did they wouldn’t act in the unfortunate way their acting. Since it’s clear that they’re not hesitant to ruin your life just to have their way, don’t be hesitant to choose your life over their happiness. Please. You owe yourself this much.
Let me know what you decided. All the best. :)
All the best! :)
Pls help, I love a girl who is a baniya n I am a kshatriya. My gf parents are agreeing for our marriage but my parents are not agreeing. I explained them tht I wont b happy with any other girl. They say if I marry any other girl, our uncles n aunts might break relations n they will also have bad face in society. Moreover my dad is a govt officer n has seen tht the caste system is not tht imp but still he is not understanding. What shall I do.
Already replied Rohan… let me know what you think..
I love a girl who is a baniya living in delhi n I am kshatriya living in bombay. Girl also loves me n her parents are also ready for our marriage. But the problem is from my side. My parents are not agreeing for our marriage. I tried to convince them. But they are saying tht society might boycott them. My father Being elder in family also says tht marriage of ur cousins would become a problem if I do inter caste marriage. My dad is a govt officer n has seen development of society n inter caste marriage. But still he is not ready for my marriage with tht girl. I explained all positive outlooks of the girl, but they are not even ready to meet her, so tht they can knw her better. Pls help. How can I convince my parents. I do not want to loose tht girl.
Pls help
Already replied… :)
hi.. i am a 24y brahmin girl in love with a non brahmin tamilian,our horoscopes dont at all tally.. its even said that we may end in a divorce or death we have tried convincing my parents about us getting married but my dad is a stonch horoscope follower and is completey against it.. however his parents agree and even they tried to convince my dad but he has a strict no.. i have even seen other alliances during this period but dint like anyone.. my parents are not at all ready.. its an year of struggle till now.. i dont wat to hurt them what do i do???
First of all, I’m glad that you have at least one set of parents on your side. If you’ve read the article you’re commenting on you’d know that’s an incredibly lucky scenario. Given the country you and I come from, that is. ;)
First off, starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for this marriage was not a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your girlfriend to impress your parents the right way so that there resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s/Boyfriend’s Parents
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage.
Let me tell you something Rohan – you can’t always have it all. Life is all about making conscious choices. By making a choice maybe you’ll give up something for something else, but you’d take back control of your life in the process. That’s what the article you’ve commented on is all about.
Let me know what you decided. All the best. :)
I am a boy of kshatriya caste n the girl I love is a baniya. I live in mumbai n she lives in delhi. We love each other n want to get married. Main part here is tht girl parents areready for our marriage but they wawant our parents concern also for the marriage. But my parents are not agreeing due to society saying tht as father he is elder in family n marriage of my small cousins could cause a prblm. Moreover uncle n aunts would break ties with us n even society. It has never happened in our home as what my father says. Moreover, my father is govt employee n has seen the society development but still denies for our marriage n mymparents are not even ready to meet the girl once. Kindly suggest
Rohan,
Congratulations. Half your battle is won. You have at least one set of parents on your side. If you’ve read the article you’re commenting on you’d know that’s an incredibly lucky scenario. Given the country you and I come from, that is. ;)
First off, starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for this marriage was not a good idea. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your girlfriend to impress your parents the right way so that there resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s/Boyfriend’s Parents
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage.
A third option for you is to get help from the girl’s parents. They’re elderly – of similar age, experience and maturity as your parents. Maybe if they approach your parents with a marriage proposal they might agree? (Of course don’t even think about trying this if your parents are the kind of people who might overtly insult the girl’s parents if they make a proposal.)
Let me tell you something Rohan – you can’t always have it all. Life is all about making conscious choices. By making a choice maybe you’ll give up something for something else, but you’d take back control of your life in the process. That’s what the article you’ve commented on is all about.
Let me know what you decided. All the best. :)
Kindly reply on mymprev post pls
I have Rohan… let me know what you think about it. :)
Thnks for ur suggestion. Actually the girl whom I love have their relatives presurrizing her parents for girls marriage. Her parents are ready to say they have looked for one but once they get confirmation from my parents. Whereas on other hand my parents are not agreeing. I am financially independent but her parents are saying tht they would allow to marry the girl until my parents agree n leaving home is not an option. Also, they want to these as early as possible. Otherwise they need to marry her with other guy.
Kindly suggest
Rohan, your girlfriend’s parents are relatively reasonable people. Thank them for giving their daughter’s happiness more importance than castes etc. And then urge them to take the same approach to pressures from relatives, your parents approval, whether you’re gonna leave home, etc. Ask for their active help instead. if you’ve been through a few of the comments and questions on this site you’d realize how fortuante you are to be financially independent and hence free of circumstantial barriers to this marriage. The only barrier that now remains is an emotional one.
Beg the girl’s parents to support the two of you emotionally if you have to leave your parents’ home, instead of opposing the move. Don’t forget to reiterate how much you value their support.
They’ve come this far. I’m sure they won’t waste the hard emotional journey they’ve already made by backtracking now and forcing their daughter into an unwanted marriage.
Let me know how it goes.
Also they are not ready to meet the girl
Also, I forgot to tell, I live in mumbai n she lives in delhi. How can they talk for marriage proposal.
Pls help
hi, i have a girlfriend and we both work in the same place in the same position. we are in the relation with each other since last 2 years and want to get marry. but the problem is that we belong from different caste. my parents are quite open with the caste system but her parents are strictly against the inter caste system. actually they have been insisting her for marriage but she has kept denying it. her parents are searching a man for her of their own caste and obviously of a better status. her mom is very strict and we both are sure she wont allow us for marriage. we also don’t want her parents to get hurt. can you give me some practical suggestions how can we convince our parents.
Starting the discussion with your parents with the proposal for an inter-caste marriage was not a good idea Prashant. In situations where you expect resistance from your parents, you should ideally introduce your boyfriend as a friend to your parents, at least a year before your probable marriage date. If you have some time on hand (a few years before your marriage), try to get your boyfriend to impress your parents the right way so that their resistance goes down, at least to some extent: How to Impress your Girlfriend’s Parents (I don’t know if they can meet, given the different countries, but they can talk over the phone and chat on video maybe?)
Also try this for some general ideas on negotiating with parents: How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take a more direct approach: What to do When Your Parents Just WON’T Agree to Your Marriage.
Let me tell you something Pooja – you can’t always have it all. Life is all about making conscious choices. By making a choice maybe you’ll give up something for something else, but you’d take back control of your life in the process. That’s what the article you’ve commented on is all about.
And emotional blackmailing? You really think you’re being fair to yourself when you give in to such distasteful tactics used by your parents against not a random guy on the street but their own child? I believe it’s every son or daughter’s duty to give their parents utmost importance in their lives, ’cause our parents are the only ones who’d love us selflessly and put our happiness above everything else. But not if that assumption isn’t true. Your parents clearly don’t value your happiness much. If they did they wouldn’t act in the unfortunate way their acting. Since it’s clear that they’re not hesitant to ruin your life just to have their way, don’t be hesitant to choose your life over their happiness. Please. You owe yourself this much.
Let me know what you decided. All the best. :)
When I got married facing all the difficuilties, I sat down laid back and thought ‘I can handle all situations in my life thereafter’ I went through very very difficuilt situations but struggled through it to make my dreams come true. As ‘loveinindia’ said in one of her article (i am sure i read it) that compromises and accepting by the parents will happen within a year. In our case the same happened without any surprise and I then I though they are happy may be because they got a son in law LOL. My parents were cool from beginning though the religious concerns were there. I am a christian and my wife a Hindu. Strong believers!!! Thats what both families are. After lot of prayers and wish, we are blessed with a baby. Happiness all around!! My wife and I came to a decision. Baby will take baptism and also will go to temple. Inlaws are completely against Baptism and they busrsted out at me!! I felt like a soil erosion uner my feet and in a very diplomatic way I conveyed the msg that it is going to happen. I respect my wifes thought as an individual and also respect her rights and her wish to fullfill with her kid. Thats exactly I am not a constaraint to do whatever she wish though I am a VERY Strong believer. I am stressed. when I say STRESSED I am mothered left right and center. Frustaration is at its peak and still I manage to keep my cool when I tak to my wife.
You made my day Anon. We ought to tell your younger generation more and more inspirational stories of courage and conviction like yours.
I’m glad that your and your wife’s resolve ultimately softened down the parents on both sides. Once they’ve accepted your marriage I would assume their obstinacy regarding religious differences would’ve softened down as well. It’s only a foregone conclusion that children of inter-religious marriages will absorb philosophies of both religions. Besides, different religions are just different paths to the same spiritual actualization. In fact I consider children of inter-religious marriages as fortunate because they learn to see the world through an extraordinarily liberal (going by Indian standards) lens right from their birth, and are hence likely to become much more enlightened and free individuals than the average Indian.
Personally, I think baptism or going to the temple doesn’t matter nearly as much as imbibing the teachings of these great religious philosophies.
Your courage and confidence has brought you this far. I’m sure it’ll see you through all such challenges. Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any queries, doubts etc.
All the best. :)
hello loveinindia,
I had a month long relationship but it broke up just because I am kshetri and he is a brahmin (a VERY STRICT of course). We both loved each other so much but as he asked his mother, she refused him directly asking about the caste. She even threatened him of suicide. His elder brother too had similar case and had to let go 5-year long relationships because of such caste issues. I was so shocked and he had to succumb to his mother and left me. I am so not over him. It is already over now. And three months now. I still have sheer hope that he will be back? Should I let go or wait for him? What shall I do? Did he ever love me? I am in chaos in mind.
Your boyfriend has no responsibility towards the happiness of people who couldn’t care less about his. If he doesn’t feel this way, and chooses to appease his parents knowing they don’t care about his happiness, then you can’t help. It’s not like he’s fighting against his parents, right? he’s already chosen his parents over you. For God’s sake, Serenzelika, it was only ONE MONTH! You have to forget about him and choose someone better next time. He’s not worth your time anyway.
Here’s something for you to consider: How to Get Over a Devastating Break-Up? and Being Single: The 7 Principles of Enjoying Your Singlehood
All the best. :)
hiiii….
i belong to an orthodox family….. marriages are decided by parents n children hav no ryt to deny dere choices….. i did dis… my parents wr luking 4 a guy, i denied n reslt is my mom is not talking to me?? y dis kind of thinking stilll exist in INDIA……. i mean its my lyf…. i dnt hav any ryt to tellll wat i lyk n wat not…. i luv a guy tooo… he is jst awsm :) my parents jst told me dat dey dnt allow inter caste marriages at any cost… coz CHILDREN DNT HAV ANY KNOWLEDGE ABT LYF…… WAT is dis…. please suggest me sumthing so dat i can change dere thinking….. coz if i’l say anything dat wud b agianst D RYT OF GALS…. COZ GALS R NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING….. please help…. i want to live MY LIFE…
Bhumika – You made my day by saying, “I want to live my life.” As a suppressed Indian girl, you really couldn’t have taken a better stance.
Like I always maintain – you have no responsibility towards the happiness of people who have no regard for your happiness. You’re right – it’s your life. And you have to assert your rights to live it. You’ve already read everything about my stance on this in the article on which you’ve commented.
Now try this: Tell your parents, “Yes, children don’t understand life as much as experienced people like you do. But marriage is an adult thing, not a children’s thing. If as my parents you think I haven’t acquired the maturity of taking decision regarding my marriage yet, I’d accept that. In that case I’d wait till I’m mature enough to get married. I’d not marry before I have enough maturity.” See how they react. :P
Last but no the least – no freedom can be gained unless financial freedom is there. It’s a sad fact of life. You’d find in Western societies parents never bother about their children’s marriages. But then parents there don’t pay for adult children either. If you’re dependent on someone financially, you have to, practically, do as they say. Without the wherewithal to act, your words are only words, and your parents know that. If neither you nor your boyfriend is financially independent, you have to wait till one of you are earning enough. You have to find a way to delay your marriage till that point of time at least.
All the best. :)
thanks yar…. i really need dis supportive words ryt now…. coz i want to concentrate on my career… bt my mind get totally diverted towards the thing dat my parents dont want me to marry a boy of my choice…. actually dere r many examples of FAILED LUV MARRIAGES in front of dem ….. so i hav to find sum good examples also…. dere is lot to do for dere acceptence… i m ready to do evrything, u knw evry morning i start my day wid d thought dat “I WILL MAKE DEM AGREE” n evry night i sleep with d wish dat “PLEASE GOD HELP ME” …….. i cnt discsss this wid others also… i found dis site n really THANKU u responded…..
thanku :) i want to explain the whole scenerio to you….. so dat may be u cud help me more….
I’m really touched by your appreciation bhumika, you made my day.
Always remember, life is too short to chase anything but happiness. And make no mistake – your first and foremost responsibility is to not your parents, not your boyfriend, but yourself. If making someone else happy (in this case your parents) would mean making yourself unhappy for the rest of your life (marriage is about a lifetime, remember? :D), then don’t feel guilty to excuse yourself.
All the best. :)
hi,
i read ur posts and they are really good with clarity of thoughts…me and my bf are also facing the problem of convincing our parents on intercaste marriage…actually my father told let ur bf’s parents approach me bcoz a girl’s parents cant do that(its like this in tamil families) ..if they accept i will also and if they are aganist then i will not try to convince them and you need to accept their decision of not accepting for the marriage…so my father is atleast willing to accept this marriage if my bf’s parents accept. but my bf’s father is not ready to talk..my bf’s father is oscillating b/w accepting and being aganist…its like a prestige problem b/w both as to who will take the first step..his father says “they(girl’s side) seem cool and not worried, then why should we bother to take a step?”..both of our mom’s are aganist us..am in a relationship with him for 5 years.he is 26 and am 6 months younger than him..we opened the matter before 2 years and still struggling to get our parents consent…he is now doing his phd abroad and i left my job due to my parents pressure after knowing of our love..but financially there will not be a problem for us after getting married as he is earning enough from stipend and can get a job after phd..now the problem is we dont know how to make our parents talk…he is abroad and am here in india at home.my grandma know abt my love and she is ok but is also concerned abt caste.on his end his elder brother know abt this and he is not supporting..i have a younger sister and shes not supporting..actually i am a bit concerned if i go against my parents and marry,,,will that affect her….both of us dont have a proper person(within relatives) to speak to our parents or initiate the talks…our parents wont accept our friends support as they are also in our age..we both dont personally care abt horoscopes and caste..we are stuck..i really wish to marry with blessings of parents…please help me i really appreciate ur valuable suggestions
Congratulations Pure Heart. Given the conservative environment you’re in, getting in-principle consent of families on both sides – that too when the relationship is intercaste – is a huge acheivement in itself. :)
Now the question that remains is one of prestige – who blinks first?
That’s quite a valid concern, PH. You can’t blame your parents for that. If you convince them to bite the bullet and be the first to broach the subject with the guy’s family, there’s a chance the guy’s family will assume a position of superiority in the relationship thinking “We’re The Guys’ Side, hence more important and the girl’s parents understand that.” So I’d not recommend forcing your parents into it.
The solution here is for your boyfriend to come to your home and ask your parents “for your hand”. He’s young enough to be their son, hence there is no question of loss of face for him if he does this. Subsequently the two of you can arrange for your parents to meet at a restaurant to “get to know each other” and discuss the logistical issues (it’s best for you and your boyfriend to be present at this meeting, so that he can introduce your parents to his). In this case, no one needs to accept superiority of the other party. They’re on equal footing. I understand proceeding this way might be rather unconventional, but your parents have a point and this is the best way to address it.
Thanks for commenting. :)
thank you so much for the reply…:)
My pleasure PH. :)
great post :)
Thanks :)
Hi, read a few articles and replies and appreciate you taking out time to solve people’s issues.
Well I am currently in a similar problem. I am an upper caste brahmin(Note: from haryana) while my gf is a SC. We are both well read and earning well and have been together since 4.5 yrs. We decided last year to go ahead and get married. I spoke to my folks and they asked me to go ahead. My gf said yes and her parents wanted to take things further with my family. So far so good. However, after I told my parents about this their whole attitude changed. They started creating issues, like problems with kundli, caste issues, societal pressure(my cousins got married in the same caste, arranged marriages). After talking to my parents a bit they somewhat agreed to take things forward. The first meeting as at my place and my girl’s parents came to meet my folks. The meeting went horribly bad, my parents showed dissent towards moving forward and her parents did not take this well and in the end what followed was a shouting match. I was out of town for that meeting. After this, i arranged for another meeting at a public place where once again these guys had a shouting match and nothing moved forward. Both the side’s parents are harboring ego issues currently. My parents feel the girl’s side should be extremely polite and should hear everything they have to say and also that we being from an upper caste are doing a favor to them. Her parents feel that they were not dealt with in a proper manner(please note: they are a bit more open minded). Currently I have met her parents a couple of times to pacify them, they are currently open for logical and calm discussions. My parents on the other hand refuse to move a single step ahead and are asking me to forget her. This whole charade has been going on for 9 months with no sign of improvement. I have tried speaking with my parents numerous times with no affect. My elder sister has also gone hoarse trying to convince the.
Currently I am mulling over going ahead to marry my girl even without my parents although this would mean cutting ties with my folks. My parents have made it very clear that they will not allow my wife to enter the house. Not sure whether her folks would agree to this or not. Any suggestions?
First of all, I laud your parents and your girlfriend’s parents for being as open as they have been in the first place. Neither set of parents (especially yours who belong to a so-called “higher” caste) rejected the idea of a marriage with vast caste differences per se. If you’ve read the article you’ve commented on, or the comments that follow, you’d know what a great sign of progress that is. :)
But unfortunately, that hasn’t been of much practical help so far.
I suggest you have a very calm, mature and polite discussion with your parents. Tell them that you want their wholehearted blessings before you bring the girl to your home. Do not forget to appreciate the broad-mindedness they’ve already shown. You can say something like, “I’m proud that you understand that caste-based differences between people are not real. And I’m sure you understand this quite clearly, else you wouldn’t have proceeded even as far as you have. A marriage is a formation of a new family. Once I get married her parents would become a second set of parents for me, just as you would become a second set of parents for her. But for that it’s imperative that you and they treat each other as equals. Since we’ve already crossed the caste barrier in our minds, can we justify treating each other differently because of castes?”
Let me reiterate – make it very polite, calm and mature. Your parents shouldn’t feel like you’re accusing them. You’re making a humble request to your parents to cooperate with you on your marriage in a way that’s healthy to everyone involved – that’s the impression you want to create.
But of course this will not make any difference to their attitude (because words don’t change attitudes). We both know that. :D
But still you should make this last attempt so that your conscience is clear, so that you’re sure in your heart that you did everything you could, before you take the next step.
As for the next step, you already know my views on that. It’s all there in the article you’ve commented on. :D The only solution is to move out of your parental home and marry her whenever you can. Her parents are understanding, so hopefully they’ll provide you the support that you need.
Your parents think they’re doing the girl’s family a favour by allowing this marriage to take place. Give that, I think we both understand that your future wife is unlikely to receive as respectful a treatment at your parental home as she deserves. If you love her, you owe it to her not to put her in a situation where she has to put up with it. Hence the only solution here is for you to move out. But like I said, have that dialogue before you do, so that when you do move out no one can accuse of you not having tried enough.
All the best! :)
I am a guy (I graduated from college about 10 years back) who has been love with a girl from the past few years (more than 3 years). I am a software professional and I earn decently. I am not financially dependent on my parents. I tried to convince them from the past few years to let them approve of my marriage. They kept on rejecting it. Now, I made a choice that I want to go with the girl whom I have been in love. But, then they are emotionally blackmailing me that they wouldn’t talk to me forever and wouldn’t even let me know when they die. It’s hard to take. They are really stubborn and I doubt if they will ever reconcile with me! Am I taking the right decision?
Cik,
We’ve all heard those anecdotes of parents locking their daughter up in the home for stopping her from contacting her boyfriend, and getting her married off forcibly.
Almost everyday some honour killing (killing of couples for daring to marry against family’s wishes) incident or the other is reported in the newspapers.
Newspaper reports of young couples committing suicide over parental disapproval of their relationships also keep coming at a steady rate.
http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2012-02-23/vadodara/31090180_1_suicide-goods-train-couple
http://www.indianexpress.com/news/runaway-couple-in-suicide-pact/1120788/
http://zeenews.india.com/news/uttar-pradesh/couple-commit-suicide-by-jumping-before-train-in-up_850521.html
Tell me, how many incidences of parents committing suicide over children’s marriages have you heard of?
I can tell you – zero. That’s because they don’t happen. Blackmailing children out of marrying someone they love is the most heinous act of betrayal and oppression a parent can cause a child. I strongly believe such an act nullifies any responsibility a child has towards their parents. That’s because by committing such an act your parent has made it clear that your happiness matters little to them, and their “honour in the society” matters much more.
I can give you 100% guarantee your parents will neither die out of shock nor commit suicide if you marry her.
The best you can do is to explain to them calmly and with due respect, that you love them as much as anyone should love their parents. But you don’t believe that anyone should restrict anyone else’s individual freedom, not even one’s parents, if one is an adult. Tell them something like, “I’m sure you want my happiness above everything else. As my parents you’ve protected me all my life and taken decision that were always meant for ensuring nothing but the best for me. May be that’s why you’re jittery that I’m not making the right decision for myself. But I assure you that I am. May be right now you’re afraid spending my life with the woman I’ve chosen myself will not make me happy, but I assure you it will, because she’s the woman I love. I’m sure with time you’ll come to see our happiness. And then you’ll realize that this was indeed the correct decision. And on that day, I’m sure you’ll be the happiest. But in the meantime I don’t want to do anything that will cause emotional pain and stress to either you or her, because all three of you are closest to my heart. I don’t want to make you unhappy and I don’t you to make me or her unhappy. Marrying her and living together with you is hence not an option at the moment. That’s why I’ve decided to live separately for as long as it takes for both you and me to make each other happy.”
I’ve written extensively about this topic. I’m sure you’ve read it. Here are all my articles in case you’ve missed any of them:
How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage – 6 Steps
Challenges of Intercaste Relationships and How to Handle Them
Impress your Girlfriend’s/Boyfriend’s Parents Before Discussing Marriage
Let me reiterate – you have no responsibility towards people who actively try to make your life miserable by forcing you to marry a random person. First comes your own happiness, then anyone else’s.
Do let me know how things go.
All the best.
I hv a gf with whom i am in love since 3 yrs. we both hv decided to marry.her parents were initially ready for her marriage with me my parents are looking for girls to marry me since last year i resisted them saying i wish to marry my gf who stays behind my house.my parents dnt agree & continued looking for girls.i had to see some girls forcibly but in d mean time i tried to convince them 3 4 times about my love marriage. my sister & parents are against intercaste marriage & dey strongly oppose my gf. i tried a lot to convince them there were incidence where dey had hit me as i wasnt leaving my gf. they have forced d girls parents & my gf saying this marriage cnt tk place. i dnt want to marry any other girl i just want to marry my gf. my parents worry about our community & family. parents are like getting many calls for my proposal & they are frustated me behaving abnormally with them.my gfs parents also hv started refraining from our marriage & so do my gf saying that lets keep faith in god & if its in destiny we will marry each others
i feel she is under her parents pressure
we both love each others truly & want to marry each others. i am tensed & frustated & getting pissed with the situation. parents are not acceptng love marriage & are also affecting themselves
pls help me
Moving out of your parents’ home and marrying her is the only solution, as I’ve mentioned in the article.
The best you can do is to explain to them calmly and with due respect, that you love them as much as anyone should love their parents. But you don’t believe that anyone should restrict anyone else’s individual freedom, not even one’s parents, if one is an adult. Tell them something like, “I’m sure you want my happiness above everything else. As my parents you’ve protected me all my life and taken decision that were always meant for ensuring nothing but the best for me. May be that’s why you’re jittery that I’m not making the right decision for myself. But I assure you that I am. May be right now you’re afraid spending my life with the woman I’ve chosen myself will not make me happy, but I assure you it will, because she’s the woman I love. I’m sure with time you’ll come to see our happiness. And then you’ll realize that this was indeed the correct decision. And on that day, I’m sure you’ll be the happiest. But in the meantime I don’t want to do anything that will cause emotional pain and stress to either you or her, because all three of you are closest to my heart. I don’t want to make you unhappy and I don’t you to make me or her unhappy. Marrying her and living together with you is hence not an option at the moment. That’s why I’ve decided to live separately for as long as it takes for both you and me to make each other happy.”
I’ve written extensively about this topic. I’m sure you’ve read it. Here are all my articles in case you’ve missed any of them:
How to Convince your Parents for a Love Marriage – 6 Steps
Challenges of Intercaste Relationships and How to Handle Them
Impress your Girlfriend’s/Boyfriend’s Parents Before Discussing Marriage
All the best. :)
I hv a gf with whom i am in love since 3 yrs. we both hv decided to marry.her parents were initially ready for her marriage with me my parents are looking for girls to marry me since last year i resisted them saying i wish to marry my gf who stays behind my house.my parents dnt agree & continued looking for girls.i had to see some girls forcibly but in d mean time i tried to convince them 3 4 times about my love marriage. my sister & parents are against intercaste marriage & dey strongly oppose my gf. i tried a lot to convince them there were incidence where dey had hit me as i wasnt leaving my gf. they have forced d girls parents & my gf saying this marriage cnt tk place. i dnt want to marry any other girl i just want to marry my gf. my parents worry about our community & family. parents are like getting many calls for my proposal & they are frustated me behaving abnormally with them.my gfs parents also hv started refraining from our marriage & so do my gf saying that lets keep faith in god & if its in desti
Already replied.
Hey, thanks for you suggestions n help. I recently talked with my dad n mom. I tried to explain them that society would never come to take care or for any other need. I asked them what you require is society or your childs happiness. They said if you want to marry her go marry her in delhi (as the girl lives in delhi) but never come back to us. We would never mtalk to you or be in contact with you as we do not want to go against the society. I explained them that society problems are their with the girl also but her parents are looking for her happiness. But they wont budge in. They are Evn ready to meet girls parent to explain them to say NO. Recently my elder brothers marriage took place n they are like his marriage would get destroyed n all stuff. But they are trying to emotionally undrstnd me that she is not the option for our society. I have decided to shift myself to delhi. But I i am wworried that am I doing any thing wrong by loving in other caste. Dnt I have the right to love n marry a girl of my choice.
Pls help
Whether you want to believe is castes or not is of course your choice, and no one has the rights to judge you on that. But castes are man-made divisions between people with no scientific basis. There is no evidence to suggest caste differences reduce compatibility. Compatibility is determined largely by similarities in family background, financial strata, culture, education level and financial prowess of the respective families.
Read the artcile you’ve commented on again. It contains everything you need to know. I’m proud of you for taking the bold decision of taking responsibility for your own life – it’s an act of great courage, and not one of selfishness (irrepsective fo what “society” might tell you).
All the best.
thank you so much. your suggestion n understanding means a lot like a mental support.
but dnt know for unknown reason worried. may b once i am out. i would b more clear
My pleasure dear. :) ATB
Hi i am 26 years old an my boyfriend is 27. We have been in a relationship for last 1 year. I want to get married to him and settle down but my parents are not agreeing for the same namely for 2 reasons:
1. His looks
2. His finanaical status.
I tried to reason out with my family, but in vain. They strongly belive that he is not the right match. I agree that his current financial condition is weak. But he qualified and is current earning a decent amount and so am i. and in the next 3-5 years i see that both of us will be settled at a reasonable level. May be i may not enjoy the luxuries i enjoyed till this day but its something i am willing to let go. I may lead a not so luxurious life on cut to cut basis. I get that for me a good understanding partner who i can relate to makes more sense. My parents place due imporatnce to finances. the beleive the love we feel for each other will be gone by the wind when fiancical issues creep in. Please help i am torn apart. I love my family very much. i dont want to choose between the two. What do i do.
“They believe the love we feel for each other will be gone by the wind when financial issues creep in.” Completely valid point, MT. Many a marriage/relationship breaks down due to this reason. A friend of mine says, “Love will fly out of the window like a free bird if serious monetary issues are there.” :D Hilarious, ins’t it? :D But sadly, it’s true.
I’m proud of you for choosing love over comfort in this day of rife materialism. It’s a really noble stance to take. But you haven’t experienced the reality of it yet.
Hence I suggest you wait for a few more years. If you’ve read my marriage related articles you’d know I always believe you need to spend at least 2-3 years with someone before you know them enough to even think about marriage. Familiarize yourself with him & the practical reality of his life a bit more. I believe this extra time will give you the comfort level you need with a decision as important as marriage.
In the meantime if you can, define a list of basic amenities that you need in life. (“Basic” differs from person to person. For some, using a cab for commute is luxury. For others, having a chauffeur-driven car at their service 24X7 is basic.) You might be enjoying luxuries at your parents’ home which you can live without. Cut those out and keep only the ones which are bare necessities for you. Then ask yourself – would you be able to afford these basics with your combined salary? If not now, then how many years later? Can you postpone your marriage till that point?
A rational approach like this will help you take the best decision.