How to Have a Moving Out of Home Conversation with Your Parents: 5 Steps

We’ve talked at length about intercaste marriages, inter-religious marriages, how to convince your parents of your love marriage etc. We’ve also talked about what to do when your parents just won’t agree to your marriage. I’ve always been a firebrand when it comes to taking a side here – either suck it up and do as they say, or move out of your home and marry whoever you want to marry.
I’m surprised (and proud) to know just how many of you have followed that advice and made a bold decision. Congratulations on having been able to achieve clarity and purpose. But now what? Are you prepared to have the moving out of home conversation with your parents? Here are some tips to help you out with it.

Moving out of home – Rule #1. Write a letter

This is going to be a sensitive and delicate communication between you and two of the most important people in your life. Due to the explosive nature of the subject of your intercaste marriage, emotions will run high. Irrespective of what you say, misunderstandings are very likely. To minimize any misinterpretation of your intentions, put it all down on a piece of paper and mail it to your parents (send them an email, if they’re tech-savvy ;)). If you start with an oral conversation on moving out of the family home, it’s likely to turn into an ugly family battle.

Of course you’ll be called for a “discussion” subsequent to writing your letter, but this will make sure at least your starting position is crystal clear to your parents.

Moving out of home – Rule #2. Tell them you trust them

So what do you write in your letter?

The key is to avoid blame games and emotional blackmailing at all costs. Do not take an accusatory line of reasoning like the following:

You didn’t accept my marriage. This shows you don’t care for my happiness. Hence I’m leaving home.

moving out of homePhoto by Sephiroty Fiesta

Instead, take an accommodative and respectful approach. Tell them you trust their intentions as your parents. Something like:

I’m sure you want nothing but my happiness. I understand you don’t know Jane [insert your girlfriend’s name] closely enough, and hence you’re afraid she’d not make me happy. But I’ve known her for a sufficiently long period of time, and as of today I’m reasonably confident she would. I’m sure after some time when you see for yourself that we’re happy together, you’ll feel happy for us and accept our marriage with open arms.

Moving out of home – Rule #3. Explain rationally

Explain rationally: They’re your parents. It’s your duty to treat them with respect, even if you disagree with them. In your letter, tell them clearly that you respect them today as much as you always have. Explain that your moving out is not a gesture of rebellion but a practical solution that takes care of everybody’s interests as much as possible.

#1. You’ve already explained that you’re confident your decision (that of marrying your girlfriend) is the best one. You’ve also declared your belief that your parents will one day realize it. (As I explained earlier – tell them you trust their intentions.)

Hence it’s not about reconsidering your decision, but about taking the best actions given your decision.  

#2. You have responsibilities to your parents and your future wife. Hence it’s your duty to strive to maximize their combined happiness.  

#3. Hence you cannot imagine knowingly putting all of them in a stressful situation. Which is what you envision is going to happen if you marry your girlfriend and continue living with your parents. You cannot let your parents and your wife stress each other just because of you. Hence you’ve taken the decision of living away from your parents till all of you can live together in peace and harmony.

Your explanation should be as logical, as practical and as non-accusatory as that.

Moving out of home – Rule #4. If they threaten to disown you…

Be prepared for this threat even before you start this conversation with your parents.

When it comes, keep clam. A very tiny percentage of parents who threaten to disown their sons if they marry their girlfriends actually carry out that threat. Most accept the son and his wife after a few years at max.

Secondly, if you’re having this conversation with your parents I’d assume you’ve thought it all out very carefully already.  That would mean you’re certain in your mind that it will make you more unhappy to live without your girlfriend forever than it will make you to live without your parents forever (not suggesting that’s a great option).

Hence, DO NOT react to the threat.

Simply say very politely, “I’m sure you’re saying that just out of momentary anger. I’m sure you’ll accept us when you see us happy and realize that this was indeed the best decision.”

moving out of homePhoto by waqar bukhari

Moving out of home – Rule #5. If they threaten suicide…

Now this is unfortunate.

We’ve all heard those anecdotes of parents locking their daughter up in the home for stopping her from contacting her boyfriend, and getting her married off forcibly.

Almost every day some honour killing (killing of couples for daring to marry against family’s wishes) incident or the other is reported in the newspapers.

Reports of young couples committing suicide over parental disapproval of their relationships also keep hitting us at a steady rate.

Couple in Love Commits Suicide

Runaway Couple in Suicide Pact

Couple Commit Suicide by Jumping Before Train in UP

Tell me, how many incidences of parents committing suicide over children’s marriages have you heard of?

I can tell you – zero. That’s because they don’t happen. Emotionally blackmailing children out of marrying someone they love is quite an unfortunate action on the part of a parent. And it’s one that can well become a serious jolt to mutual trust between parents and children.

Be sure it’s not a real threat. Again, stay calm and do not react. Simply say very politely, “I’m sure you’re saying that just out of momentary anger. I’m sure you want me to be happy, and you’ll not do any such thing which will make me deeply unhappy.”

Have you ever tried to discuss moving out of home with your parents?

Have you helped a friend through this challenging process?

Tell us about your experience in the comments.

6 thoughts on “How to Have a Moving Out of Home Conversation with Your Parents: 5 Steps”

  1. Hi Admin, Once again, one more great article is here to learn for how to move Out of Home Conversation with Your Parents. Well I think noone should move out while there is Conversation with Parents! We should face that Conversation with Parents but this article is really wonderful & valuable for those person. Who dislike their Parents Conversation with them, Those hate Conversation with Your Parents. Writing a letter is easy but telling truth in latter is most important.

    Well Admin, I appreciate this paragraph :- “I’m sure you want nothing but my happiness” I understanding telling true can be more powerful to make understand Parents.

    1. Radha, I’ve read your story. I tried to contact you about that but there seems to be some error in the email adress youv’e provided.
      Please contact me at sulagna@loveinindia.co.in. I assure you your email address and identity will remain confidential. Thanks. :)

  2. I am a 24 yr old girl and my partner is 12 years older than me. It has been 8 years we are together. All this started in 2006 and we were caught for the first time. I had just finished my board exams. Still we were unable to separate. In an year we were caught more than 5 times and my mother used to bit me all times. I never had a cell phone or any internet connection. So we started talking to each other in actions and jestures like 2dumb and deaf people. I used to be on my window and he in his balcony (we are neighbours). For an year and half we were safe and people could not find any clue of our being together. One day we were caught again and my mom and dad started shouting at him. Whole society now got an idea of what was between us. It was the last day of my 12th board exams. I was bitten again and my partner was insulted in front of his family members. After a drop of an year and struggle i went to college and finally got a cellphone. Now we were safe and we were never caught after that. 4years later after completing my Engineering when again i returned to my home I expected that now they will understand how much we love each other. But nothing good happened. My mother never trusted me after that and till now she searches all my wardrobes and books for a single clue she can find. Yes i am still at my home, jobless. I did not join any company because i am preparing for govt exams. We have aready registered court marriage but only his family knows this. His family is totally in support of our relationship. We are from same caste and money is no issue . Even the neighbours and colony members support our relation but nobody has courage to talk to my parents. My mother read a note in my diary in which i mentioned that we will be marrying by 31st of december this year. She is planning to kill us but first she is waiting for me to step forward. I dont want to hurt my or his family. Its now time that we want to live together. I dont want to spoil this diwali of my family but it has become so hard to live in this house as my mum is always planning to distroy him. She wont kill herself but can surely kill us. Kindly help if possible. And i am really sorry for such long post. Thank you.

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