Love in India – Page 12 – Let's talk relationships

Help! I’m in love with my best friend! (Part 2)

In my last post I talked about the three key questions to consider if you start feeling like you’re in love with your best friend. So if you’re sure about your feelings, have asked yourself these questions and have also mustered up the courage to propose to your girl, here are the top three mistakes to avoid before you blurt it out.

#1. Flirt, but don’t overdo it

Photo by motoed

Don’t be afraid to get a bit flirty in your daily conversations with you best friend. However, knowing where to draw the line is key. “You’re looking ravishing today!” is ok, whereas “You’re looking hot! I wish I could lay you.” is crude and will cause you to lose her trust fast.
Text her just a tad more often than earlier. “Missing you…” / “waiting to see you in college tomorrow…”/ “Can’t wait to see you this weekend…” is cool.
Above all – whenever you meet her let your eyes speak. ;)

#2. Don’t be her dog

The worst (and most common) mistake guys make after their eureka moment of “I’m in love with my best friend” is to become her dog. You know what I mean. He’ll become an overly supportive wherever-you-go-I-follow obsequious servant of hers. Believe me guys, that’s the best and fastest way to lose a girl’s respect.

Photo by ☆Mi☺Λmor☆

You’re thinking “She’ll realize I’m so caring.”
She’s thinking, “Jeez! This guy has no personality of his own!”
Show her that you care for her. But all with a healthy dose of manly confidence & personality.

#3. Avoid possessiveness like plague

Another very common mistake while hinting at the fact that you’re in love with your best friend is to become possessive of her.

Where is she going?

Who is she spending her time with?

She didn’t turn up at school/college/work today…could she be spending the day with some guy???

STOP those thoughts the moment they occur. You’re in love with your best friend (or anybody) doesn’t mean you own them. Be grateful for having a special place in her life already. Stop the urges to know more and control more of her life than she willingly invites you to do.
Don’t ask the obvious questions. Wait for her to answer you before you ask. Let’s say she didn’t turn up at school/college/work one day. When she turns up the next day, causally ask, “How’re you? Everything alright?” Don’t add, “Why didn’t you turn up yesterday?”. This will show her that you care for her and yet respect her privacy. That goes a long way in gaining the trust of most girls. If you can do that, it’ll draw her closer. Most likely she’ll spontaneously explain the reason of her absence to you sometime.

Any other cardinal step to take before you propose to your best friend who you’re in love with? Please share through the comments section.

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Help! I’m in love with my best friend! (Part 1)

Recently one of my readers-Babblu- asked me – what if I’m starting to feel like I love my best friend? How should you deal with it? Should I go ahead and let them know how I feel, or keep my feelings to myself? Even if I let her know about my feelings, what’s the best way to do it?
So I thought I’d post a series on how to propose a girl who’s your friend. Today let’s take a look at the three key questions to ask yourself when you start feeling like you’re in love with your best friend.

Q #1. Is it real?

Love is a big word. First ask yourself – am I really in love with my best friend, or I’m just liking her more as a result of spending more and more/less time with her than earlier? It’s a fact of nature, that if we spend more time with people we already like, our bond with them tends to grow stronger. On the other hand, if you’re used to spending a lot of time with your best friend, and suddenly she gets into a new relationship/job etc. causing her to spend less time with you, you might start missing her and have the feeling that you’re in love with your best friend.

Photo by silje/vanilje

Q #2. Can it hurt your friendship?

Ok, so you’re decided. You’ve asked yourself all the right questions and now you’re sure you really are in love with your best friend. But before you go ahead and blurt it out there are still more questions you need to ask yourself.
Are you picking up her cues correctly? Does she seem to share your feelings too, or she really hasn’t ever thought of you as anything other than her friend? Try to be as objective with yourself as you can be. Yes I know-it’s very, very difficult, ‘cause love makes you blind and forces you to ignore all evidence tell yourself that the person you’re mad about is mad about you too. But do yourself a favour and before you proceed any further, look for clues of her real feelings towards you.

How important is your friendship? Are you prepared to forgo your friendship in case she’s not comfortable in the new situation? In the unfortunate case that she doesn’t want to get romantically involved with you, your friendship might suffer a setback because of the new developments.

Photo by arthur+martha

Q #3. Can it hurt your other relationships?

What is her relationship status – official or unofficial? Is she seeing someone? Is she in a steady relationship? In either of these cases, think seriously before declaring your love to your best friend. Try to gauge the depth of her other relationship, if any. If you know her boyfriend/date or you’re friends with him, be extra careful.

In the next part we’ll look at how to propose to a girl who’s your best friend, in case you have answered all the above three questions in the positive.

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In Search of True Love…

Hey there! A big Hello to all of you. More than a year (and a whole marriage-read on for more about that!) later, I’m finally back to the blogosphere again!

It’s surely a special feeling to be talking to you after such a long time! I’m sure you’ve missed me, and you have no idea how much I’ve missed you. :(

So what should I start with? Yes I know, it doesn’t need telling – surely you want to know what I have been up to.

I have been up to finding love. Cheesy? Not. And that’s what I want to share with you today.

What is love?

I was striving hard to put my feelings about love into word, when I found this great post, which felt a bit like the transcript of my heart speaking –

“Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we can not command, demand, or disappear love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don’t fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love.”

That’s me and him. (Ok. Dumb.)

That pretty much sums up what I always believed-love happens. (Oh yes I’m an incurable romantic!) I had promised myself never to get hitched until I felt “this is the best thing in the world that could happen to me”. For me, that was the litmus test of true love.

Introducing Mr…

So here I was, napping my days away happily at home after finishing business school, when Mr. Cool pinged me. Now I know you’re not gonna believe this, but that very moment I knew. I knew that the guy I have secretly fancied for two years but never managed to talk to, was finally mine forever. ;)
I drowned, headfirst.

For the uninitiated-the first days of love is like a full-time job. Once hired, you just aren’t allowed to concentrate on anything else. So I stopped functioning.(Really!!) It was a sweep-you-off-your-feet-and-end-your-thought-process all-encompassing obsession. Naturally. ;) So your favourite web destination took a backseat. (I’m sorry. I mean it.)

To cut long story short, here we were, about a year later….

The Wedding!

And now that’s 6 months old too. Armed with the experience of a nerve-racking ecstatic-devastating courtship & an even more colourful 6 months of marriage, I thought it’s time to get back to my half-forgotten love-child, Love in India.

I’m sure you can imagine how excited I am to be back. I hope you are, too!

To being back & meeting my friends (you) again. See you tomorrow.

Love Story 5

me: hii

5:30 PM Sonali: hii :)

so…back from the trip?

me: yeah

wat u doing miss?

Sonali: Facebooking, like alwz :D .. aur bataao…how ws the trip?

Photo by ericnvntr

me: ok ok

nothing interesting there

Sonali: :D

Put the pics on FB I’ll have a look… Waise what’s there to see in Lonavala?

me: didnt click any pics :(

Nothing much.

Sonali: oh now i understand.

me: wat u understand??

5:35 PM Sonali: matlab u said “i didnt click any pics” .. from that i understood ke “Nothing much to see”

me: ha ha

am not very shutter happy

Sonali: okk..

5:36 PM me: u shud go to lonavala during rains

and igatpuri …

they become beautiful in rains

lush green

Sonali: rains have not started yet in mumbai?

5:37 PM me: nah

2 weeks more i guess

Abhi toh .. its all hot n humid

5:39 PM so…

how was ur weekend?

Sonali: kind of boring…

me: hmmm

5:41 PM I’m so tired … wish i had a neck n back massge

5:42 PM Sonali: disadvantages of living alone in a foreign land.

Arre tell me naa, what all u saw…must’ve seen SOMETHING.

5:45 PM me: are

i have been to Lonavala many times

u wanna see Lonavala .. will take u smtime

so wht r u getting me from faridabad?

5:53 PM Sonali: wht do u want?

me: why wud i tell u

Sonali: ab…guess karna padhega? :D

5:54 PM mithai leke jayenge..aur kya? :P

me: ha ha

wanna make me fatter??

Photo by jenny downing

Sonali: lolzzzzz…

5:56 PM no..if u eat my future cooking then u’ll hate me…so trying to compensate wid the mithai.

me: aha

r u a bad cook?

5:57 PM Sonali: er…i have never cooked for anyone other than myself in the last 4 5 yrs. :D

me: but the very fact is that u wud cook for me … wud itself make it tasty miss

samjhi?

Sonali: :P.. ok what do u wanna eat?

me: come here first

and then we can decide

and cook together

so..when r u coming?

Sonali: arre yaar I don’t know that yet. They haven’t told anything.

me: ok

6:04 PM 5-7 i am going to hyd

so wont b thr that weekend

Sonali: okk..for work?

me: nah

friend’s wedding

so other than that week

i hav time hi time

6:06 PM Sonali: great :)

me: if u r free thats it

6:07 PM Sonali: I’ll be free of course

me: great

Sonali: But I’ll be homesick L

6:08 PM me: wud u b less homesick if u r with me?

Sonali: i certainly hope so. :D

me: and why u hope so?

Complete/continue the above story by commenting.

Long Distance Relationships: 5 Basic Principles

June 2009.
I was about to leave for IIM Ahmedabad in a few days.
And my then boyfriend and I were both immersed in oceans of tears.
With young people becoming more ambitious and willing to move cities for work/studies, long distance relationships and associated challenges are becoming increasingly common. Here’s the first instalment of a series on long distance relationships.

Photo by punctuated

1.Acknowledge

The first step to make a long distance relationship work is to really understand and acknowledge the fact that it takes special efforts. If, for example, you and your significant other are college classmates and are meeting each other every day, by default you hardly need any extra efforts to keep the relationship going. The situation changes dramatically as soon as the relationship becomes long distance. Most long distance relationships which fail are the ones where the couple fails to realize that the situation has changed and they need to do something about it.

2.Communication

You have to talk to each other every day, for at least 30 min/1 hour. It might seem too long to some of you. But it’s important to talk for a long time, as people don’t open up until they’ve talked for some time. The initial 5 minutes of a conversation are often spent in hi-hello-‘how’re you’s. If you don’t spend at least 30 minutes you won’t know about what’s really going on in the other person’s mental world, the concerns that they have, what they really feel about you etc. We unknowingly waste a lot of time watching TV, surfing the Net and reading other people’s status messages. If you think you genuinely don’t have 30 minutes per day for your boyfriend/girlfriend then this is probably not the right time for you to have a relationship.

Photo by Foxtongue

3.Visit often

It’s essential you visit each other as often as your time and budget permits. Talking over the phone for five hours a day can’t make up for face to face communication. Because communication is not just words. Nothing can make up for actually looking at the eyes and the smile of your loved one. Same for them.

4.Learn to trust

When a relationship becomes long-distance it becomes a testing ground for something essential to the success of the relationship-mutual trust. If you’re the suspicion-obsessed ever-interrogator, a long distance relationship is a great chance for you to learn to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean deciding not to concern yourself with whatever your boyfriend/girlfriend might be doing. It means accepting the fact that they have a life of their own and you can’t always get to know whatever is going on there. Don’t get neurotic if they don’t pick up one call of yours or doesn’t reply to your messages immediately.

5.Being there

You’re in a relationship, right? You’re their support, inspiration, shoulder to cry on. You have to be there for them when they need you. You can’t be too busy for that. If they’re going through difficult times, they should feel completely free to call you first.

In the next instalment we’ll talk about activities you can engage in to liven up your long distance relationship. Till then, share your experiences of handling your long distance relationship with us by leaving a comment.

10 Tips for Writing a Love Letter

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but Indians are crazily romantic. Did you know that a whopping 37% of the people who’re Googling the phrase “love letters” every month are Indians? Thirty seven percent (165K out of 450K)! I know-‘whopping’ doesn’t even begin to describe that. Anyway, let me share a few points that I feel you should keep in mind while writing your next love letter.

Photo by markhillary

1.Get in the mood

Nothing affects our mood as much as music. Put on some really romantic music when you sit down to write a love letter. (I have some on even now, as I write this post!)

2.Greeting

Don’t be shy to start the letter with “my sweet sweetheart”. Or some special name that you use for him/her. It makes the letter immensely personal and special-not just another love letter, something particular to you two as a couple.

3.Their signs

Why are you writing this love letter today? Did anything happen today that reminded you of them? Any tiniest of tiny things-a familiar fragrance, a phrase someone used in casual conversation? Put it down. It’s bound to bring a hint of that crease on their lips.

4.Mementos

Spray his/her favorite perfume on the letter, put petals of a flower they’d given you long back, stick the wrapper of a candy they might’ve given you in the past/you might’ve shared…Putting mementos inside the letter is another way to make the letter unique.

Photo by RonAlmog

5.The first moment

Describe what had first attracted you to them, how simple words spoken by them had created tornados in your heart, how you used to feel restless waiting for them…Nothing makes us feel more romantic than reminiscences of the heady days of first love.

6.Special moments

Was there a moment when you experienced intense emotional and physical feelings to see him/her or to hear their voice for the first time over the phone? Or when they said something special/intimate to you? Describe those feelings. It takes you closer to their heart.

7.Signing off

Put all your heart in the ending too. “With all the love of my heart.-Nisha”, while might sound mushy to you, will surely go close to the other person’s heart.

8.Use mother tongue

If you both speak the same language. I know it’ll probably be excruciatingly embarrassing sometimes. But if you want to really touch their heart, try it.

9.Dates!

Don’t forget to date the letter. Imagine what a treasured memento it’s going to become should you end up in a permanent relationship!

10.Paper and stationery

Don’t forget to use special paper and envelope for your special letter. Download them here for free.
Any particular tiny little thing you did in your love letter which was dearly appreciated by your loved one? Let us know by leaving a comment.

5 Tips to Handle Intercaste Relationships

Caste-the blade that has driven deep scars across hearts and lives.
Caste-the poison that has split families.
And caste-the knife that’s drilling into your soul every moment: “I’m an XYZ. But he/she is an ABC. Now what?”

Photo by Kjunstorm

When I sat down to write this post about intercaste marriages and relationships I was really not sure what to write. I personally renounce castes completely and utterly, so I can’t write a “pros and cons” type of article on anything related to the caste system in India. It’s like trying to pen down the pros and cons of being racist against blacks. So I’ve decided to help people in intercaste relationships convince their parents of their decisions. Without taking more of your time, here goes.

Be prepared

Prepare yourself before you go in for The Discussion. Anticipate the concerns your parents might have regarding your intercaste marriage. Write them down one by one if possible. For example, they might fear adverse reaction from relatives, or they might believe that intercaste marriages don’t work or that children of intercaste marriages face problems. You must anticipate these and have counterarguments prepared.
Your parents will probably react emotionally when you first tell them that you want to get married to someone from a different caste. NEVER react back. Losing your cool is never an option if you’re hoping to convince anyone of anything. Calmly request them to articulate any specific concerns that they have. Use your preparation to talk the matter through with them at this point.

Evidence always works

Take time to research as many examples as possible of happy intercaste couples and unhappy same-caste couples among your friends and acquaintances. Use these while discussing your relationship with your parents. Try to pin down some reasons for the success or lack of it between these couples and explain how none of these reasons could be connected to caste.

Photo by Sara Björk

Back to the basics

This point is a bit extreme, but it works because sometimes in our folly we’re unable to see what’s right in front of us.
Turn to history. Remind your parents why the caste system was originally started-for classifying people belonging to different professions. In today’s world this basic reasoning behind the caste system has zero significance since majority of the people belonging to different castes have not continued in their “caste-professions”. And so, caste as a way of categorizing people has lost basis. Do more research. Cite examples of people like Dr. Meghnad Saha who have proven the baselessness of caste lines by doing things totally outside the identity boxes they were “cast” in.

A helping hand

Turn to that cousin/uncle/bhaabi of yours, who’s always been your close friend and whose judgment your parents trust. Introduce your “him”/ “her” to them and then request them to bring the matter up with your parents.

Decision

Never, never, NEVER start the discussion of your relationship with your parents if you have even 0.01% of doubts yourself. If you go to discuss your possible intercaste marriage with your parents and come back convinced of its futility, the next day you’ll meet your boyfriend/girlfriend and regret your reaction. And then this cycle will continue until you lose confidence completely in your own ability to take decisions. It’s crucial for you, your parents and your significant other that you have absolute clarity about what you want.

Tried all the above methods but your parents just won’t budge? Try Help! My Parents are not Agreeing to My Marriage!

The First Kiss

Ah the first kiss. Kissing for the first time in your life is always wrapped in anticipation, excitement, embarrassment and maybe even a bit of anxiety. The first kiss is something you’ll never forget-the first-kiss day, the first-kiss location, your first-kiss clothes, the first-kiss time of the day and even the first-kiss weather (hopefully also the first kiss partner) are things that you’ll preserve with great care in your memories.
However the first kiss can be downright awkward. And hilarious. Here’s what Hollywood has got to say on it.

“The first kiss I had was the most disgusting thing in my life. The girl injected about a pound of saliva, into my mouth, and when I walked away I had to spit it all out.”-Leonardo diCaprio

Photo by Piez

“This girl said “Yes” when I wasn’t ready. I kissed her lightly and got so dizzy I had to sit down.” –Antonio Banderas, speaking of his first kiss.

I can imagine. After all, practice makes perfect, and kissing is no exception to that. Yes, if you were thinking (like many do) that kissing talent is like green eyes-either you’re born with it or you’re not, then I have to tell you-you couldn’t be more wrong.

I remember I was thirteen (like most girls) when I kissed (or was kissed) for the first time. The guy was 2 years older than me (he recently got married). It was during the lunch break in school on a hot summer afternoon. If you ask me how it went…well let’s just say my experience was not too dissimilar to that of Leonardo diCaprio. I hated the poor boy for that and avoided kissing him as much as possible thereafter. (A recent poll throws up “too much saliva” as the main turn-off in kissing. How embarrassing!)

Photo by Playingwithbrushes

Here are some quick facts about first kiss.

1. There’s no such thing as “kissing by instinct”.
2. Your first kiss is NOT going to be your best kiss.
3. The best way to ruin your first kiss is to try something complicated like a French kiss.
4. Another good way to do that is to plan too much for the event.
5. If you are a (shy) man/boy: The first kiss will not fall on your head. You have to make the move.
6. A third excellent way to ruin the first kiss is to go crazy thinking, “What do I do with my hands?”

The last battle of kisses (like all other battles of the Universe) is a men vs. women battle, as reflected in the following (juicy) quotes.

“A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth – and endures all the rest.”-Helen Rowland

The first kiss is stolen by the man; the last is begged by the woman.-Henry Louis Mencken

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.-Remy de Gourmont

What’s the story of your first kiss? Do leave a comment to let us know.

And have fun with this cute video while you ponder.

Proposing a Girl-Tips for Overcoming Shyness

A few days ago I was chatting with a (guy) friend of mine when he ruefully mentioned his mundane (non-existent) love-life. There are many girls he knows and likes but he hasn’t been able to muster the courage to actually “propose” them, i.e. go up to them and tell them how he feels. Let down by himself, he’s finally checking out the matchmaking sites, in search of a match for an arranged marriage.

Photo by Megyarsh

Shyness can be a real hindrance when it comes to dating and kick-starting your love-life. What can be a greater regret than liking someone for a long time, then seeing them taken away just because you could never voice your feelings? No, you don’t want that.

What is shyness?

Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute (yes it exists) sees shyness as a sum of three components:

1.Excessive Self-Consciousness

– You’re conscious of what you’re doing, what you’re saying, how you’re behaving and especially what people are making of you, particularly when around people.

2.Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation

–You have a negative view of yourself.

3.Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation

– You’re too hard on yourself. Of all the things that you do, the ones which you’re doing wrong catch your attention immediately, but the ones you’re doing right don’t. Especially when you’re around people.

Handling self-consciousness

Where does self-consciousness come from? The first advice you’ll get when you ask anyone (including Google) about overcoming self-consciousness is that, “You’re far less important than you think you are,” or “People really don’t have so much time to think about you.” When I was in college, I came to know, through a friend, that some guys (guys, not girls) were making fun of me among themselves saying, “Why on earth does she wear strap shoes when she’s wearing a skirt?” Yeah right-I was thinking all along that they were giving me even more attention than this. The moral of this story is that no, you don’t have to believe that “you’re not so important” bu*****t. People enjoy talking about (and criticizing) others. Often more, not less, than you think. (Where did the word ‘gossip’ come from??)
BUT, not everyone is gossiping about the same person all the time. While you’ll be shocked at the levels of attention some people have paid you (the skirt-shoe thing) at some point of time, you’ll be equally surprised (pleasantly) to know how soon they forgot about you and moved on to dissect some other hopeless victim’s life. So learn to believe that you’re getting just about 50% of the attention you think you’re getting, at an aggregate level.

Negative self-evaluation

The first and foremost reason for people feeling shy around the opposite sex (particularly men feeling shy around women) is fear of rejection. Why is the possibility of rejection becoming so enormous in your mind? Because you often judge yourself negatively. You’re imagining you don’t have enough positive in you to offer to your love interest, and so the probability of rejection is higher.

Photo by Meddygarnet

Wake up!! We all have talents and shortcomings, including those gossipmongers who’re looking at you and judging you. The way to break free of overly negative self-images is treating social interactions like math-something that has to be practiced on a regular basis. Make it a point to initiate conversation with at least 1 person-preferably someone new-every day. Think of it as purely an exercise, with zero emotional involvement from your side in the conversation. Many a times the people you approach will not pay you any attention (yes for some mysterious reason people often forget that being nice is FREE). But equally often they will. Through this process you’ll realize you’re just another normal person-who’s not disliked in general more than any other person. And so the chances of rejection from your dream girl (or prince) are not abnormally high as you imagine. To reduce those chances even further approach her at the right moment.

Negative self-preoccupation

Keep a journal with you. List all the things you’ve done right in a day. If you want you can also make a parallel list of the things you’ve done wrong, but I don’t think you need to (since picking your own faults is something you’re good at anyway). Once again you’ll realize you’re doing about as much percentage of all the things right as is the normal average person. And what’s more, you’ll realize you were not only noticing every wrong, but looking at them with a magnifying glass.
Make small promises to yourself everyday and keep them-like talking to a new person everyday, which I just mentioned. When you’ll realize that you’re able to keep these promises you’ll feel much more capable and confident. Approaching your crush will become that much easier.
Any other strategy you used to overcome your shyness around the opposite sex? Let us know through the comment thingy.

Love At First Sight-Does it Really Happen?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you ever had that warm mushy feeling within the first few minutes that you had seen someone for the first time in your life?

Photo by *~Dawn~*

The practical ones among you are probably rolling your eyes but researchers say it can happen. In 2004 scientists at the Ohio State University conducted an experiment to explore the nature of the feelings between people who’ve just met each other. Even though the experiment was conducted on same-sex couples (no, seriously not what you think), i.e. with “friendship” as the basic relationship, the results can also be applied in case of romantic love.
164 students were divided into same-sex couples and allowed to spend three, six or ten minutes with each other. Then they were asked to fill a questionnaire describing what they had in common with their partner in the pair, whether they’d liked them and their predictions about the future of the relationship. Nine months later it turned out that the people who’d predicted a better connection between themselves and their partners actually ended up being in a closer relationship than those who didn’t.
This observation matches perfectly with the conclusion Earl Naumann makes in his book Love at First Sight: The Stories and Science Behind Instant Attraction. He says-on the basis of rigorous research, including 1500 in-depth interviews-that love at first sight happens only to those who believe in it. Well that’s a no-brainer given the belief-driven way in which the human mind works. What’s astounding though, are two other numbers:
1. 55% of the people who experienced love at first sight ended up marrying the same person.
2. 75% of those marriages worked, i.e. didn’t end in divorce-a whopping 25 percentage points more than the average US divorce rate of 50%.
So if you have felt that strong emotional connection with someone you’ve just met, you don’t need to be wary. Just go for it! This might just be ‘it’.